Hello, my name is Briana and I am awkward.
I have come up with a theory of why I have stayed awkward throughout my life and why I will remain awkward until the day I die. I like to call it “The Socially Awkward Circle of Having No Life”
Stage 1: Be Extremely Awkward
Some people are born with great athleticism, some people are born natural leaders, some people are born with a knack for science, and some people are born unable to control their face, limbs, or the words coming out their mouths. Everyday is like “oh sorry, first day with this new body and I don’t know how it works yet.” You stand stupidly pushing a pull door for five minutes before someone opens it for you. Sometimes you even hit a stranger in the dining hall with your awkward limbs and
say yell something terrible like “sorry, guy” then become immediately horrified at your word vomit, make an equally terrible face and then literally run away with your grilled cheese in hand.
Stage 2: Hate Being Around People (Because You Are Extremely Awkward)
Being around people is terrifying. You have to wear pants, not sporadically burst into song & dance, and try to pass as a human. There’s an insurmountable amount of stress in looking presentable and sounding like a coherent, functioning human at the same time. The worst part is having to actually communicate with other people; if people don’t like that you sometimes communicate through clicking your tongue and meowing then you don’t want to be around people.
Stage 3: Actively Avoid Being Around People
“Oh, there’s [insert any social gathering] tonight? Sorry, I can’t go! I would, but I have too much
Netflix to watch work to do. Bummer, next time for sure!”
*sits in room watching TV shows and movies in pajamas and eating Ben & Jerry’s out of the carton*
Stage 4: Sit In Your Room By Yourself
This is the best part. There’s no figuring out normal people wear, no figuring out what to say, no masquerade of normality, just pure and natural existence in your own state of awkward. You’re free to watch TV shows & movies, read, have a Me Party, eat limitlessly, talk/sing/make noises to yourself, surf the world wide web or anything at all without being bothered by the outside world. Because let’s face it, Dexter, Fat Amy and Katniss all need you more than the people in the real world need you.
Stage 5: Try To Break Cycle By Being Social
At this point you start looking at the people around actively and purposely socializing with other people and you start to think that you are just as capable as anyone. Maybe you’re just awkward because you don’t try to be social. If all these biddies and bros can do it, then you can do it too. So you muster up all your courage and go out in the world and make your best attempt at social interaction.
Stage 6: Fail
No. No. No. No. No. Why am I here? Who are these people? Why did I think I could this? I hate everyone and everything. I will never be social again.
Stage 7: Keep Sitting In Your Room By Yourself
You don’t need people. People are scary. You’re much happier the way you were with your Netflix and food. You’ll be better off by sticking with what you know and you can never watch the Bella’s finals too many times, anyway.
Stage 8: Remain Extremely Awkward
“I AM AWKWARD!” Say it loud and say it proud. You’re never gonna stop being socially awkward because you’re never social enough to become comfortable being social. You even tried breaking out of your awkward shell by being social and that just did not go well at all. So hang tough, for you are in for a long and awkward life.