1. My blankets being pulled off
There’s no reason for this kind of torture. I get that I’m not a morning person, but you’re better off waking me up by blasting the most annoying song of all time and hitting me with a rolled up newspaper than pulling my blankets off me. My bones are made of pure stubborn and I will bitterly lie in bed in defiance.
They are untrustworthy, evil creatures and deserve no mercy.
Here are the Official Spoiler Rules. If you break any of these rules, you’re dead to me.
4. When the toilet flushes before I’m ready
Did it look like I was done? Sorry, but I think wiping is important.
5. Misuse of “literally”
Really? Were there literally a million people in Starbucks? Because I’m pretty sure the maximum capacity isn’t even 1,000.
6. When I lose a sneeze
Where did it even go?
7. People eating my food
That’s a surefire way to lose a hand. If you eat my food you either didn’t ask or completely disregarded my answer because my answer is always no. Either way, you will feel my wrath.
Seriously, what are they all about?
9. ATM machine
Do you need to go to the automated teller machine machine? No, because that’s not a thing and you’re an idiot. (see also: PIN number, VIN number, LCD display and BU BUS)
10. George R. R. Martin
What happened in your childhood that made you become a man who can only find happiness in other people’s pain and misery?
11. Movie actors/actresses on book covers
Just no. Brad Pitt isn’t in a book.
12. When people cut me in line
I’ll cut you back.
13. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
The #1 reason for trust issues, probably. What’s the point of a cookie that appears to have chocolate but doesn’t? Disappointment and broken dreams.