Endless Apps Ends Lives: A Tale Of Self-Destruction

A response to “My 14-Hour Search for the End of TGI Friday’s Endless Appetizers.”

The journey begins on a Sunday like any other. I’m sitting on my couch eating chocolate chip pancakes while watching the cinematic classic Space Jam on MTV while Taylor Swift’s most recent pop sensation “Shake It Off” plays in the kitchen. It is a golden moment.

An unwelcomed commercial break interrupts the 88 minutes of Product Placements ft. Michael Jordan and we see an ad for TGI Friday’s Endless Apps. Apparently you could walk into a TGI Friday’s, hand the waitress $10 and then eat appetizers forever. Believing this deal to be too good to be true, I turn to the internet because that’s where one goes to find the truth. The official page for the promotion is about as useful as Michael Bolton on a dance team. So, we turned to Google and came across the tell all blog post about TGI Friday’s Endless Appetizers.

The heroine of that story and my spirit animal Caity Weaver took on the daunting task of spending 14 hours at TGI Friday’s (alone, and not allowed to sleep, use wifi or read) and eat as many mozzarella sticks as she can. Evidently, the truth of the Endless Apps deal is that there is one rule: for $10 you choose one of the select Endless Apps appetizers (not all appetizers are endless ☹) and you are married to that appetizer for your time at TGI Friday’s, there’s no switching apps. But once your app is ordered, you can eat it until you literally want to die.

TGI Friday’s Warrior Caity chose the mozzarella sticks. Evidently they taste like “goddamn garbage.” Caity barely managed to scarf down 32 mozzarella sticks throughout the whole day, not even 3 sticks an hour. She resented every bite and couldn’t emphasize enough how bad the TGI Friday’s mozzarella sticks are.

My fellow glutton Lisa joined me at TGI Friday’s in Braintree, MA on this Endless Apps journey with the goal of eating apps until we died. Christine, our server, is lovely and slightly too attentive since are her only table. She answers our many questions about our app options. We decided that we would each order one endless app and feast for our dinner. After surveying our options, we had narrowed it down to the pot stickers, loaded potato skins, wings and mozzarella sticks. After much deliberation we were definitely getting the pot stickers but the second app was still up for debate. Although we had been warned about the horrors of the mozzarella sticks, we both had a part of us that loved mozzarella sticks and was curious to see how they actually tasted. In the end, I told Lisa that there’s no way they were that bad and tried to convince her to order the sticks. But Lisa was more hesitant because we read a 6,223 word essay by blog goddess Caity Weaver on how awful the mozzarella sticks are.

So, naturally, we ordered the mozzarella sticks.

Flynn Rider a horrible decision really

Christine brings us our plates of self-loathing and hopes we enjoy our “meal.” After the first bite of the sticks we are pleasantly surprised. They do not taste like goddamn garbage, they taste like below average mozzarella sticks. Victory! We evenly distribute our feast between the sticks and the stickers; after each mozzarella stick we eat one pot sticker. Although I prefer my dumplings fried, the steamed pot stickers are pretty good.

Before we even finish our first plates, Earth Angel Christine tells us that she put in another order for us and our seconds plates will be out shortly. *Praise* When the plates come, we realize the mozzarella sticks are not what they appeared at first. They become harder to eat with each bite. The stickers start to become more of a palate cleanser between sticks than actual enjoyment.

Once we cleared our second plates, Christine asks if we want another order of mozzarella sticks and pot stickers. I say yes.

I've made a huge tiny mistake arrested development gob

When Christine leaves, Lisa and I immediately decide that I was a little too quick to order more. Every time we see Christine we fear that she is bringing us our doom. There is a much longer wait between orders than last time but it is a welcomed waiting period. We see Christine asking about our order and psychically send her a message to not worry, because we are dreading our apps’s arrival.

She does not receive our message. The mozzarella sticks arrive.

Our executioner Christine explains to us that the pot stickers take longer and will be out soon. Lisa and I are now alone with the mozzarella in an appetizer stalemate. TGI Friday’s Endless Apps is a tortuous mind game. We don’t dare to eat the sticks sans our pot sticker buffers. Yet we are forced to sit and stare at the mozzarella sticks that we dread to eat but know we must. I refuse to leave behind an untouched plate of food, it’s not in my DNA. I will not be defeated by the sticks. The pot stickers finally come, we now have no excuse to not eat the sticks. We each take one bite of a stick and don’t touch the plate besides moving it as afar away from us as we can.

I wished the TGI Friday’s staff would take me out back and shoot me to put me out of my misery. Lisa and I do not think we last much longer with what feels like bricks of mozzarella sticks in our bodies. I decide that in my personal hell I am sitting in a TGI Friday’s forced to eat mozzarella sticks (with no pot stickers).

We decide that the mozzarella sticks taste like goddamn garbage.

stay gold & don’t order the mozzarella sticks,
Briana

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