There are far too many Jacks to keep
jack track of. Not only do we all indeed “know jack,” but we know far too many. It’s time to see who is the real MVJ (Most Valuable Jack). We must make them fight to the death in the Jack Games because there can only be one Jacklander. We must determine who is the Jack of All Trades. This calls for a Jack Bracket — a JACKet.
First, let’s meet the 16 Jack-testants.
The artist/poor boy/gambler/heartthrob from Titanic. *swOooOOon*
The asshole who tries to ruin Christmas in The Santa Clause 3: The Sequel That Literally No One Wanted To Happen.
There’s some cheese, a rat, a cat, a dog, a cow with a crumpled horn, a maiden all forlorn, a man tattered and torn, a judge all shaven and shorn, a rooster that crowed at morn, a farmer sowing his corn, a horse, a hound and a horn all in the house this Jack built.
The former Marine turned CIA ~shadow recruit~ who is tasked with saving the U S of A.
The Pumpkin King in a town of Halloween.
Here’s…the psycho murderer of The Shining.
The rum-loving captain of the Black Pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Jack (and the Beanstalk)
The kid who sells his cow for beans and steals from giants.
Jack (and Jill)
The kid who went to fetch some water with his…sister? What is their relationship, exactly?
The fun-loving prankster who saves all the children in the world in Rise of the Guardians.
The best man in the Counter Terrorist Unit and saver of America on several occasions on 24.
The good boy who stuck his thumb in a pie and pulled out a plum. I don’t get it either.
Janet and Chrissy’s clumsy, lovable and “gay” roommate on Three’s Company.
The spinal surgeon stranded on a batshit island where literally no Oceanic 815 survivors would be alive without him.
The CIA badass who will do literally anything to protect his daughter on Alias.
Womanizer, Republican and Head of NBC on 30 Rock.
Time to take a look at the JACKet.
The Sweet 16
Jack Dawson v. Jack Frost (The Santa Clause 3)
This is a real layup for Dawson. Upon sight of Dawson’s flowing hair and charismatic smirk, Frost becomes so filled with warmth and delight his frostiness melts away.
Winner by titanic proportions: Jack Dawson
Jack Builder v. Jack Ryan
Of the nursery rhyme Jacks, Builder is the only capable of actually doing anything. Although his carpentry is no match for the Marine/stock brokering/CIA skills of Ryan. Ryan could kill the rat, cat, dog, cow with a crumpled horn, maiden all forlorn, man tattered and torn, judge all shaven and shorn, rooster that crowed at morn, farmer sowing his corn, horse, hound and horn all in the house that Jack built and get away with it. Or save them from an oncoming second Great Depression put in motion by the Russians.
Winner by everything in Jack’s house: Jack Ryan
Jack Skellington v. Jack Torrance
The only arrow Torrance has in his quiver is psycho murder. I’d like to see him try to kill a skeleton. Not to mention Skellington has sweet song set he can use as a distraction before making his move.
Winner by length of his grin: Jack Skellington
Jack Sparrow v. Jack Beanstalk
Beanstalk doesn’t stand a chance against the sly and crafty ways of the swashbuckling Sparrow. Everyone’s favorite captain would manipulate Will Turner into chopping down the beanstalk and be drunk on a beach with rum before Beanstalk could steal a single golden egg.
Winner by a Black Pearl’s worth of rum: Jack Sparrow
Jack (and Jill) v. Jack Frost
Little known fact: Frost created the ice patch that made Jack fall down, break his crown and cause Jill to go tumbling after.
Winner by an avalanche: Jack Frost
Jack Bauer v. Jack Horner
This is the only complete shut out of the series. Bauer does not have time for Horner’s shit. He puts a bullet in Horner’s head, shooting right through the plum.
Winner by the amount of people he’s killed: Jack Bauer
Jack Tripper v. Jack Shepard
The goofy, clumsy and slapstick comedy ways of the faux gay ex-Marine are no match for the spinal surgeon who took leadership of a misfit group of survivors, always knew what to do in a crisis and saved hundreds of lives on and off The Island. Shephard repeatedly dunks on Tripper until he over dramatically collapses on the floor.
Winner by the amount of people he has ever been personally responsible for: Jack Shepard
Jack Bristow v. Jack Donaghy
This is the closest match up of the Sweet 16. Bristow and Donaghy are both middle-aged white men of power and means, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want (even if ethically ambiguous). But Bristow’s daughter is thing he values most in the world while Donaghy puts more worth in his own wallet and self-interest. Bristow’s purer motives gives the edge he needs in this match up.
Winner by the lengths he would go to protect his daughter: Jack Bristow
Time to check back in with the JACKet.
The Elite 8
Jack Dawson v. Jack Ryan
It’s the battle of the blue eyed babes. Dawson and Ryan both get lost in the sea of each other’s eyes, piercing into their souls. They begin gasping for air as they get pulled deeper into the abyss of the other’s magical optical orbs. Before Dawson can drown in the depth of Ryan’s cerulean sight spheres, Dawson (wise from past experience) gets on a damn door and floats to safety; leaving Ryan to spiral alone in the stormy sea of Dawson’s voluptuous vision globes.
Winner by sparkle in his eyes: Jack Dawson
Jack Skellington v. Jack Sparrow
This is not the first time Sparrow had to face off against an (un)dead skeleton. Sparrow has evaded death and fought off a whole crew of dead pirates, so he can handle the lone Skellington. Although returning the Aztec gold back to Isla de Muerta won’t help the cunning captain defeat the Pumpkin King, unleashing the kraken and sending him down to Davy Jones ought to do the trick.
Winner by the braided goatee on his chinny chin chin: Jack Sparrow
Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians) v. Jack Bauer
Frost’s playful and devious ways aren’t enough to surmount Bauer’s badassery. Though Frost can wield the forces of nature with his staff, Bauer has shot a woman’s leg just to make a point and would never allow Frost to even lift his staff before taking his game-winning shot.
Winner by the time it takes him to decide to fire his gun: Jack Bauer
Jack Shepard v. Jack Bristow
Bristow may have the world’s greatest father/daughter relationship and go above and beyond to keep her safe, but
Doctor Savior Shepard acted as a physician, leader, mentor and friend to the 48+ survivors of the plane crash. The herd’s shepherd did everything in his power to keep them safe from harm’s way.
Winner by the metaphorical staff which he uses to shepherd his flock: Jack Shephard
Time for another JACKet update.
The Final 4
Jack Dawson v. Jack Sparrow
It’s a box office brawl. The devastatingly dashing Dawson takes on the swagger-savvy Sparrow. Both are thrill-seeking vagabonds who are masters of charm, wit and devilishly disarming grins. One: an eccentric pirate whose only love greater than women is rum; the other: a genuine-hearted orphan intent on not wasting the gift of life. These worthy adversaries fight til the last second on the clock. But at the sounds of buzzer it’s apparent that not even the sly Sparrow can taint Dawson’s good nature.
Winner by purity in his soul: Jack Dawson
Jack Bauer v. Jack Shephard
This is a true small screen standoff. Bauer and Shephard are the no-nonsense overlords of hour long dramas; no Jacks know how to leave you on the edge of your couch, counting the seconds til next week’s episode better than them. Whether they’re fighting off a terrorist attack or “The Others,” both Jacks always leave you craving more. Bauer, although has saved millions of people throughout his career, has never had to deal with the likes of a smoke monster on a time-travelling island while saving the world every 108 minutes.
Winner by the amount of times anyone said “someone get Jack!”: Jack Shephard
Jack Dawson v. Jack Shephard
It’s the final Jack Off. Two Jacks enter, one Jack leaves. Both are exemplary Jack specimen but only one can walk away as the Jack Champion. In one corner we have the poor, world-travelling artist who wears his heart on his sleeve. Opposite him we have smart, successful doctor who refuses to accept defeat. Dawson willing to die for the woman he loves; Shephard always trying fix whatever he can. Both are Jacks of good heart and strong will that take the Jack Games into overtime. Going toe-to-toe in chivalry, honor and overall Jackness, Dawson and Shephard fight hard to become Jack of All Trades. At the end of the grueling game there is only one Jack standing, one Jack victor, one Jack to rule them all: the Jack with the purest heart and mind, the Jack with the most positive outlook on the world, the Jack who makes each moment count.
Winner by the tip of the iceberg: Jack Dawson
The JACKet Champion
Jack of All Trades: Jack Dawson
He’s not just Jack, he’s the Jack. He’s the Jack that led Titanic to be the highest grossing movie of all time (at the time), the Jack that we’ll never let go of. This jaw-dropping Jack is the one Jack that made it through the sea of 16 Jacks to earn the title “Jack of All Trades.” Although he congratulates his fellow Jack-testants on their efforts and appreciates their Jackness, he knows he is the one true Jacklander.
Cheers to the Jack of All Trades, the King of the World and MVJ; here’s to making it count.