Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 3

In case you missed Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 1 and Part 2…here are more words that have spewed from my mouth.

“If there are only two things I love it’s stormtroopers and swag.”

“There’s nothing grosser than Justin Bieber’s mustache.”

“Tonight I’m going to see the 5 greatest people on this Earth.” (on attending a One Direction concert)

“When I don’t have a book to read it’s like my life has no meaning.”

“I’m pretty sure if I walked home from here I would get home first.” (in traffic, 34 miles from home)

“I might as well have been shot.” (on not having enough storage to take a Snapchat video)

“This is what the Jews must have felt like when Moses led them through the desert.” (walking from the end of a parking lot to the store)

“It enrages me when my burger doesn’t come with french fries. It just- I can’t- my inside is just- flames. There are flames in my core.”

“What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and smashed potatoes?”
Smashed potatoes have skin in it.
“Oh, so you mean ruined potatoes?”

“I would kill anyone who put a pickle spear on my plate. I would kill them with the spear from the pickle.”

“The most bangin thing Jesus did was turn water into wine.”

“Anyone who eats Kit Kats without breaking off each piece deserves to perish.”

“If you talk while Taylor Swift says ‘this sick beat,’ you are dead to me.”

“This song [Cruise] is the absolute bane of my existence.”

“If I see #RE2PECT one more time I’m going to throw up on everyone.”

“The day Leo wins an Oscar will be the best day of my life.”

“Honestly, I can’t think of anything worse than special reports that interrupt regularly scheduled programs.”

“I could write a Shakespearean tragedy about my lack of empanadas.”

“Everyone is better than Miley Cyrus.”

“My phone is at 3%. This is the worst fate.”

“I’ve had to pee like 17 times today and I didn’t even drink that much so I’m probably dying.”

“If I could eliminate anything in this world it would be country music.”

“I hate doors than aren’t automatic, what am I? A peasant?”

“Now I’m Facebook messaging on my phone from Safari like a homeless person.”

“There is nothing worse than when reality competition shows don’t go your way.”

“If Internet Explorer was a building I would burn it to the ground.”

“I hope he gets into a fight with someone he loves today.” (road rage)

“One good dead? ONE good deed?! I would rather be a dog than watch 99 more episodes of this.” (throwback to 7-year-old me watching 100 Good Deeds for Eddie McDowd)

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Endless Apps Ends Lives: A Tale Of Self-Destruction

A response to “My 14-Hour Search for the End of TGI Friday’s Endless Appetizers.”

The journey begins on a Sunday like any other. I’m sitting on my couch eating chocolate chip pancakes while watching the cinematic classic Space Jam on MTV while Taylor Swift’s most recent pop sensation “Shake It Off” plays in the kitchen. It is a golden moment.

An unwelcomed commercial break interrupts the 88 minutes of Product Placements ft. Michael Jordan and we see an ad for TGI Friday’s Endless Apps. Apparently you could walk into a TGI Friday’s, hand the waitress $10 and then eat appetizers forever. Believing this deal to be too good to be true, I turn to the internet because that’s where one goes to find the truth. The official page for the promotion is about as useful as Michael Bolton on a dance team. So, we turned to Google and came across the tell all blog post about TGI Friday’s Endless Appetizers.

The heroine of that story and my spirit animal Caity Weaver took on the daunting task of spending 14 hours at TGI Friday’s (alone, and not allowed to sleep, use wifi or read) and eat as many mozzarella sticks as she can. Evidently, the truth of the Endless Apps deal is that there is one rule: for $10 you choose one of the select Endless Apps appetizers (not all appetizers are endless ☹) and you are married to that appetizer for your time at TGI Friday’s, there’s no switching apps. But once your app is ordered, you can eat it until you literally want to die.

TGI Friday’s Warrior Caity chose the mozzarella sticks. Evidently they taste like “goddamn garbage.” Caity barely managed to scarf down 32 mozzarella sticks throughout the whole day, not even 3 sticks an hour. She resented every bite and couldn’t emphasize enough how bad the TGI Friday’s mozzarella sticks are.

My fellow glutton Lisa joined me at TGI Friday’s in Braintree, MA on this Endless Apps journey with the goal of eating apps until we died. Christine, our server, is lovely and slightly too attentive since are her only table. She answers our many questions about our app options. We decided that we would each order one endless app and feast for our dinner. After surveying our options, we had narrowed it down to the pot stickers, loaded potato skins, wings and mozzarella sticks. After much deliberation we were definitely getting the pot stickers but the second app was still up for debate. Although we had been warned about the horrors of the mozzarella sticks, we both had a part of us that loved mozzarella sticks and was curious to see how they actually tasted. In the end, I told Lisa that there’s no way they were that bad and tried to convince her to order the sticks. But Lisa was more hesitant because we read a 6,223 word essay by blog goddess Caity Weaver on how awful the mozzarella sticks are.

So, naturally, we ordered the mozzarella sticks.

Flynn Rider a horrible decision really

Christine brings us our plates of self-loathing and hopes we enjoy our “meal.” After the first bite of the sticks we are pleasantly surprised. They do not taste like goddamn garbage, they taste like below average mozzarella sticks. Victory! We evenly distribute our feast between the sticks and the stickers; after each mozzarella stick we eat one pot sticker. Although I prefer my dumplings fried, the steamed pot stickers are pretty good.

Before we even finish our first plates, Earth Angel Christine tells us that she put in another order for us and our seconds plates will be out shortly. *Praise* When the plates come, we realize the mozzarella sticks are not what they appeared at first. They become harder to eat with each bite. The stickers start to become more of a palate cleanser between sticks than actual enjoyment.

Once we cleared our second plates, Christine asks if we want another order of mozzarella sticks and pot stickers. I say yes.

I've made a huge tiny mistake arrested development gob

When Christine leaves, Lisa and I immediately decide that I was a little too quick to order more. Every time we see Christine we fear that she is bringing us our doom. There is a much longer wait between orders than last time but it is a welcomed waiting period. We see Christine asking about our order and psychically send her a message to not worry, because we are dreading our apps’s arrival.

She does not receive our message. The mozzarella sticks arrive.

Our executioner Christine explains to us that the pot stickers take longer and will be out soon. Lisa and I are now alone with the mozzarella in an appetizer stalemate. TGI Friday’s Endless Apps is a tortuous mind game. We don’t dare to eat the sticks sans our pot sticker buffers. Yet we are forced to sit and stare at the mozzarella sticks that we dread to eat but know we must. I refuse to leave behind an untouched plate of food, it’s not in my DNA. I will not be defeated by the sticks. The pot stickers finally come, we now have no excuse to not eat the sticks. We each take one bite of a stick and don’t touch the plate besides moving it as afar away from us as we can.

I wished the TGI Friday’s staff would take me out back and shoot me to put me out of my misery. Lisa and I do not think we last much longer with what feels like bricks of mozzarella sticks in our bodies. I decide that in my personal hell I am sitting in a TGI Friday’s forced to eat mozzarella sticks (with no pot stickers).

We decide that the mozzarella sticks taste like goddamn garbage.

stay gold & don’t order the mozzarella sticks,

Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 2

A couple months ago I posted Dramatic Things I’ve Said, but I’ve continued to speak in hyperbole over the last 6 months.

Here are some more words that have actually come out of my mouth:

“But then the poster’s not centered and I would rather kill myself.”

“There’s nothing better than a really great snapchat.”

“I would saw off my own foot and eat it to have a chance to be in the clubhouse champagne celebration [after the Red Sox won the World Series]”

“Pants only purpose is to disrupt my happiness.”

“Potato skins in my mashed potatoes would literally ruin my Thanksgiving.”

“Is it going to rain? Because that would probably ruin my life.”

“I would choose death over crunchy peanut butter.”

“Oatmeal raisin cookies are the bane of my existence.”

“Short girls who date tall guys are worse than oatmeal raisin cookies.”

“I would sooner hang myself than write a 20 page paper.”

“Any parent who names their kid Golden should be shot execution style.”

“I would rather be shot in the face by Kim Kardashian than drink PBR.”

“Black ginger babies are the antichrist.”

“If Chris and Liam Hemsworth both peered into your eyes at the same time, you would be cleansed of all your sins and ailments.”

“Of all the things in the world, the Wonderball is my favorite.”

“‘But your booty don’t need explainin’ is the greatest lyric of all time. I’m going to get it tattooed on my face.”

“Not having emojis is a fate worse than death.”

“I’m so hungry that if you put red paint on cardboard, shredded yellow play-doh over and called it pizza I would eat it.”

“If I saw Lebron James in real life I would karate chop him in the throat.”

Winter Break

I haven’t posted during winter break because I was:

a) packing for a trip back to Australia
b) volunteering in a third world country and bettering the world
c) studying up and preparing for next semester
d) lazy

Let’s just think of my lack of posting as a winter hiatus. The important thing is that I’ll be posting again because I know you all have missed me so much, or haven’t even noticed I took a blogging break…either way I’m back.

Here’s what I did during my 4 week break:

  • Read

That’s it. I crawled deep into my cave of antisocial stagnation and hibernated there for a month. Even social media, which is just pretending to be social, was too social for me. I wasn’t even a person, I just morphed into a Christmas cookie-consuming extension of my couch.

You couldn’t have been less productive than me if you tried. I didn’t even go on a Netflix binge like an average college student, I still have only seen one episode of Scandal. I walked away from break only slightly more knowledgeable about Greek mythology thanks to Percy Jackson (which I borrowed from my 11-year-old sister).

stay gold & see you when I morph back into a human (never),

The Worst Betrayal To Ever Happen*

*to a mentally unstable, baseball-obsessed 21-year-old girl.

Yesterday my world came crashing to halt when I found out that I had been betrayed by my first true love. Jacoby Ellsbury signed a seven year deal with the Evil Empire. Of all the teams in all of baseball, he signed with the damn Yankees. Jacoby is going to be donning pinstripes and making $153 million for 70% of the next decade. To a 21-year-old college senior, seven years is far beyond the foreseeable future. It will go to the end of the 2020 season and I will be half way dead. My friends might be getting married and having children within that time. Poor, unfortunate children who will be born into a world where Jacoby plays for the wrong side of baseball’s greatest rivalry.

Think of it this way, seven years ago it was 2006. There had never been a black president or an iPhone and skinny jeans were just introduced into the fashion world. The #1 single of the year was “Bad Day,” The Departed won the Academy Award for Best Picture and That’s So Raven was still on the Disney Channel. Britney Spears had never been bald, Robert Pattinson was not a sparkly vampire and Justin Bieber was just a random 12-year-old in Canada. IT WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD. Seven years might as well be forever.

The Yankees have single-handedly ruined the next seven years of my life. What am I supposed to do with all of my Jacoby Ellsbury paraphernalia? Can I wear my Ellsbury jersey? Can I hang my autographed photo? Can I drink my Zinfandellsbury wine? Do I have to take him off my wall of men? How am I supposed to forget the last six years of love and happiness we shared and shun him as a traitor? That’s six years of emotional and financial investments that can’t easily be erased.

No matter what the future holds, the Yankees can’t pay $153 million to change the past. Let’s take a look back on our love story my deep and very concerning delusions.

In September 2007 Jacoby Ellsbury was called up from Pawtucket and added to the Red Sox’s 40 man roster. I didn’t know anything about him except that he was a rookie and as fast as a leopard. I always had a soft spot for rookies and I loved him before I was in love with him. He was Rookie of the Month for September and lit up the ALCS and World Series as the starting center fielder. When I watched a playoff game on my Uncle’s HD TV, I realized what a babe Jacoby is and that’s when I began to lose all remnants of my sanity. To top it all off, he won free tacos for all of America. How could you not fall in love? I went to the parade and displayed my love for him.Image

November 10, 2007 was a magical day. As most love stories go, I was 15 and awkward and waiting in line to meet and get an autograph from the love of my life. I got the front and on my photo he wrote: “To: Briana. Jacoby Ellsbury 46” “My Dearest Briana, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? With love, Jacoby♥”

May 21, 2008 I went to my first Red Sox game and since Jacoby knew how special it was to me, he hit me a home run and the Red Sox won the game.

September 11, 2012 my friends and I went to the Red Sox game on Jacoby’s birthday. Even though the Red Sox were completely out of the running for postseason, it was a great game. Jacoby hit a walk-off to beat the Yankees. I nearly died.Image

Jacoby played like the all star he is throughout the 2013 postseason. My mom and I went to ALCS Game 6 where I first found that he changed his walkout song. When I heard “Niggas in Paris,” one of my favorite songs, I lost my mind. It was another sign that we were meant to be together. During Game 6 of the World Series we watched Jacoby’s last at bat in a Red Sox jersey and there was some memorable base running to go along with it.

Then the season ended. Jacoby was a free agent and he would not be returning to Boston. I tried to mentally prepare myself to bid adieu to my favorite Sox player. He wasn’t my favorite just because he is a major babe (Major Babe), my boy has mad baseball skills. The Yankees aren’t paying him $153 million for his good looks. At his best, Jacoby is a superstar on the field. I miss him already.

Now my first celeb husband plays for a team I hate with the fire of a thousand suns. So if you need me, I’ll be listening to “Someone Like You” and crying for the next seven years.
crying (4)

Winning the World Series

Have I mentioned that I love baseball?

Oh, and by the way the Red Sox are the 2013 World Champions. Isn’t the world a glorious place?

Let’s go back to the day of game 6.  I was a hot mess. From the moment my eyes opened that morning, I knew that it was going to be a long day.  The World Series was on the line.  We were one win away from the rings, the parade, the DVD…it was all so close but not yet within arms’ reach.  We were one win away from winning in Boston for the first time in almost 100 years.  Would the Red Sox be able to pull it off tonight? Or would the Cardinals force a game 7 where anything could happen?  This city did not deserve the heartbreak of losing a game 7 and I couldn’t handle the stress of having a game 7 at all.

That night, after several attempts, my friends and I finally found a place that wasn’t overrun by anxious fans and had enough TVs so that everyone could watch the game.  We all settled into our table at Sunset Cantina and prepared ourselves for a long night of baseball and a roller coaster of emotions.

As it turns out, the roller coaster only went up.  There were no dips or turns, we just kept soaring higher and higher until the victory was ours to celebrate.

For most people, anyway.  For me, my excitement and joy stopped at end of of the seventh inning to make room for complete and utter panic.  As the game got closer to a close and people started counting outs left in the game, my stomach was twisting into an unsolvable knot and my hands went numb.  I didn’t care that we had 6 runs, to me that just meant it would be that much more devastating to lose the game.  I just kept thinking about how ugly the game could get and how heartbreaking and disappointing it would be to lose at that point.  As the game continued, I grew more silent.  I just sat in my booth with my arms wrapped around my legs and watched.  When the eighth inning ended, and the Red Sox were just three Koji Uehara outs away from winning it all, I just put my head down and waited.  So much was at stake.  Since I had moved to Boston, I had been waiting for the Red Sox to do something great in the postseason.  My first three years at BU had passed without the Sox playing a single game of October baseball.  Now, they were just three outs away from a celebration much needed in Boston.  At this point, I was numb all the way to my elbows.  It looked something like this:
The ninth inning began and we all watched to see if Koji would be everything he had been, a shutout closer. He was. I cried. It was magical.
WS afterWe had become the 2013 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox.  And we did it in BOSTON.  It was absolutely amazing.  We walked down Commonwealth Ave, joined the crowds in singing “Sweet Caroline” and “Tessie,” and high-fived strangers passing by.  There was no better place to be that night. (That’s obviously a lie, the Red Sox clubhouse was clearly the best place to be, but just work with me, okay?)

The following Saturday my friends and I headed to Boylston at the crack of dawn to secure front row spots at the Rolling Rally.  The bearded duck boats rolled down the street and you could feel the excitement in the air.  Jacoby Ellsbury hoisted the trophy up for all to see, Koji Uehara and Junichi Tazawa threw bracelets out to the crowd, Jonny Gomes stuck out his beard and everyone loved it.  But, the best part was when the parade paused at the marathon finish line and none other David Ortiz walked no more than three feet from where we were standing.  He got down from his duck boat to say a few words on the float where the Dropkick Murphys were playing.  After he made his speech, he sauntered by us one more time and I was in the presence of greatness.  It was the closest to royalty I’ve ever come.

The parade eventually came to an end and marked the close of the 2013 season, leaving us to bask in it’s glory and wait to see what 2014 will bring.

stay gold & Boston Strong,

Food & Fall Festivities

everything i need in a photo

These are the things I did when I went home for the weekend:

  1. Eat

That’s it.  Everything I did had to do with food; whether I was making it, eating it, or walking through it…food was everywhere.  That’s why I gained 47 lbs. this weekend and no one on campus recognizes me.  Let me walk you through the foods I devoured into my black hole of a stomach.

Tommy’s Pizza, Double Stuf Oreos, Triple Double Oreos, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream
My first meal at home.  When Lisa, Jackie and I finally got home we were welcomed with my favorite pizza and an avalanche of snacks.  My mom went HAM on getting snackage and food for her two college students returning home in what I believe was an attempt to make us so fat we physically couldn’t leave for school and would have stay at home with her forever.

Chocolate Chip Pancakes
Saturday morning my mom mother further fattened us up with a delicious family breakfast before our first day of fall festivities.

Corn, Crackers
This part of the weekend involved the least of amount eating and the most physical activity.  We went to a corn maze, Fall Festivity #1!  Because occasionally the universe loves me, that particular day was Harry Potter Day!  We entered the maze and pulled slips of paper from a bucket were immediately sorted, I was a Slytherin (even though I’m really a Hufflepuff), and most of my family was Ravenclaw while the rest cheated by looking in the bucket to swipe a Gryffindor paper (not very Gryffindor-like, if you ask me).  We began our adventure through the maze to get to the other side win the Tri-Wizard Tournament!  We took a break from our journey at Hog’s Head, conveniently located in the middle of the maze, and enjoyed some wizard sticks.  Once we refueled, Logan Harry Potter led us through the maze and always knew which way to go because of wizardry.  We got past all the obstacles in our escapade and made it through unscathed.  We had both honor and glory.
corn maze

On the way home, we stopped at a grocery store so my mom could buy MORE FOOD to plump us up.  One of the many things purchased was a package of store brand Ritz crackers which Lisa and I ate a whole sleeve of on the drive home.  It’s a four minute drive.

Hostess Cupcake, Chicken, Roasted Potato, Kale, Risotto Balls
After we got home, Lisa and I left to meet her mom at the always lovely WaterFire (and I took a Hostess Cupcake for the road, obviously).  Being the supremely popular Flames of Hope lighting (for breast cancer awareness), it was hoppin’.  One of the event tents had a student cooking demonstration where they gave out FREE food to everyone.  So, the three of us got our own plate of chicken, a roasted potato and kale.  It was pretty good even though I didn’t eat the kale because eating green food would ruin my reputation.  After we finished our student-cooked meal, we walked around looking at all the vendors and Providence scenery.  Eventually, we made it over to the Blue Grotto tent and got some risotto balls!  We moseyed around a little while longer after the lighting and then bid adieu to beautiful WaterFire to go back home and watch the Red Sox game.

Hostess Cupcake, Bean Dip, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream, Crackers
I snagged another Hostess Cupcake when Lisa and I got back home because I refuse to let them go unappreciated.  When the Hostess Cupcake was discontinued a piece of my soul died and now that they’re back I will savor each and every chance I get to have one.  We settled into the big comfy couches in the living room and got ready to watch game 1 of the ALCS.  There are so many foods necessary to watch a playoff game of any kind.  When I watch postseason baseball I am in a constant state of anxiety (drizzled with fleeting joy and fulfillment).  It’s both terrifying and wonderful to watch, which is why bean dip is necessary to keep me sane.  As the game went on and things looked grimmer and grimmer, I was forced to eat chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with crushed chocolate chip cookies to keep the hit-less Red Sox from pushing me into a deep depression.

After the ugly loss, Lisa and I left to pick up Megan from the train station.  When we got back, we had more of the fake-Ritz crackers, which I’m convinced were laced in cocaine because they were so addictive, and watched Saturday Night Live.  Although the Bruce Willis hosted episode overall was “meh,” there was one skit that saved the night and dragged me out of the pit of postseason baseball despair.  I’ll just leave this three minutes and fifteen seconds of ecstasy for you to enjoy.

Fruity Pebbles, Hostess Cupcake
Sunday morning I had a well-rounded breakfast of Fruity Pebbles and a Hostess Cupcake before church. I’m all about living that healthy lifestyle.

Apples, Kettle Corn
Fall Festivity #2!  We went to Pippin Orchard (which is a terrible place and no one should go there) to pick some apples and be adorable in fall surroundings.  Despite all the good apples being in the forbidden forest (okay, this technically wasn’t another Harry Pottery Day, but I incorporate the world of Harry Potter anywhere I can) it was still a great time.  We ate kettle corn, juggled, climbed trees and jousted with the apple pickers.  I do not think we will be asked back to Pippin Orchard (not that we care).

Pizza, Mashed Potatoes, Taco Crescents, Apple Pie & Ice cream
This is where it goes from bad to worse.  The beginning of the end.  From moderate overeating to the depths of obesity.  Soon as we got home my mom made pizza to put even more weight on us to keep us from leaving.  But that’s not all, while the pizza was cooking, Lisa, Megan and I started making an apple pie with our freshly picked apples.  The pizza finished cooking at about the same time we were done preparing the pie, so as our pie cooked we ate pizza.  I also had a bowl of butter with a side of mashed potatoes.  When we were done with that, the pie still wasn’t ready so we made crescent rolls filled with beef and cheese.  After we had our taco crescents, the apple pie had finally finished baking so Lisa and I each had a pie à la mode.

The worst part: this wasn’t even dinner.  This was to hold us over until dinner. In short, we ate pizza, mashed potatoes and taco crescents, while we waited for our apple pie to bake while we waited for dinner.

BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches, BBQ chips, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Apple Pie & Ice Cream, Hostess Cupcake
“Go big or go home,” that’s what I told myself and that’s what killed me.  After I had one BBQ pulled pork sandwich and BBQ chips while watching game 2 of the ALCS, I could not stop thinking about the rest of pork just sitting in the kitchen waiting to be eaten.  I figured since I already hated myself for how much I consumed in one weekend it can’t get much worse (SPOILER: I was wrong) so I had ANOTHER SANDWICH.  My mom didn’t even try  to stop me, further proof that she wanted me eat myself into obesity and stay home for eternity. Also worth mentioning, every time I walked into the kitchen I took a chocolate chip cookie because I have no self-control.

After David Ortiz once again reminded the world exactly why he is worth $14 million and lead the Red Sox to the best win in this year’s postseason thus far, Lisa, Megan and I watched the 90’s classic Clueless.  Since the theme of the weekend was “eat until you feel like you want to crawl into a deep hole and die where no one will find your morbidly obese corpse” we each had another piece of apple pie à la mode.  After the movie, we rolled ourselves downstairs to finally go to bed.  And I took a Hostess Cupcake on the way, just for good measure.

stay gold & eat til hurts (or maybe don’t),