These are the things I did when I went home for the weekend:
That’s it. Everything I did had to do with food; whether I was making it, eating it, or walking through it…food was everywhere. That’s why I gained 47 lbs. this weekend and no one on campus recognizes me. Let me walk you through the foods I devoured into my black hole of a stomach.
Tommy’s Pizza, Double Stuf Oreos, Triple Double Oreos, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream
My first meal at home. When Lisa, Jackie and I finally got home we were welcomed with my favorite pizza and an avalanche of snacks. My mom went HAM on getting snackage and food for her two college students returning home in what I believe was an attempt to make us so fat we physically couldn’t leave for school and would have stay at home with her forever.
Chocolate Chip Pancakes
Saturday morning my mom mother further fattened us up with a delicious family breakfast before our first day of fall festivities.
This part of the weekend involved the least of amount eating and the most physical activity. We went to a corn maze, Fall Festivity #1! Because occasionally the universe loves me, that particular day was Harry Potter Day! We entered the maze and
pulled slips of paper from a bucket were immediately sorted, I was a Slytherin (even though I’m really a Hufflepuff), and most of my family was Ravenclaw while the rest cheated by looking in the bucket to swipe a Gryffindor paper (not very Gryffindor-like, if you ask me). We began our adventure through the maze to get to the other side win the Tri-Wizard Tournament! We took a break from our journey at Hog’s Head, conveniently located in the middle of the maze, and enjoyed some wizard sticks. Once we refueled, Logan Harry Potter led us through the maze and always knew which way to go because of wizardry. We got past all the obstacles in our escapade and made it through unscathed. We had both honor and glory.
On the way home, we stopped at a grocery store so my mom could buy MORE FOOD to plump us up. One of the many things purchased was a package of store brand Ritz crackers which Lisa and I ate a whole sleeve of on the drive home. It’s a four minute drive.
Hostess Cupcake, Chicken, Roasted Potato, Kale, Risotto Balls
After we got home, Lisa and I left to meet her mom at the always lovely WaterFire (and I took a Hostess Cupcake for the road, obviously). Being the supremely popular Flames of Hope lighting (for breast cancer awareness), it was hoppin’. One of the event tents had a student cooking demonstration where they gave out FREE food to everyone. So, the three of us got our own plate of chicken, a roasted potato and kale. It was pretty good even though I didn’t eat the kale because eating green food would ruin my reputation. After we finished our student-cooked meal, we walked around looking at all the vendors and Providence scenery. Eventually, we made it over to the Blue Grotto tent and got some risotto balls! We moseyed around a little while longer after the lighting and then bid adieu to beautiful WaterFire to go back home and watch the Red Sox game.
Hostess Cupcake, Bean Dip, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream, Crackers
I snagged another Hostess Cupcake when Lisa and I got back home because I refuse to let them go unappreciated. When the Hostess Cupcake was discontinued a piece of my soul died and now that they’re back I will savor each and every chance I get to have one. We settled into the big comfy couches in the living room and got ready to watch game 1 of the ALCS. There are so many foods necessary to watch a playoff game of any kind. When I watch postseason baseball I am in a constant state of anxiety (drizzled with fleeting joy and fulfillment). It’s both terrifying and wonderful to watch, which is why bean dip is necessary to keep me sane. As the game went on and things looked grimmer and grimmer, I was forced to eat chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with crushed chocolate chip cookies to keep the hit-less Red Sox from pushing me into a deep depression.
After the ugly loss, Lisa and I left to pick up Megan from the train station. When we got back, we had more of the fake-Ritz crackers, which I’m convinced were laced in cocaine because they were so addictive, and watched Saturday Night Live. Although the Bruce Willis hosted episode overall was “meh,” there was one skit that saved the night and dragged me out of the pit of postseason baseball despair. I’ll just leave this three minutes and fifteen seconds of ecstasy for you to enjoy.
Fruity Pebbles, Hostess Cupcake
Sunday morning I had a well-rounded breakfast of Fruity Pebbles and a Hostess Cupcake before church. I’m all about living that healthy lifestyle.
Apples, Kettle Corn
Fall Festivity #2! We went to Pippin Orchard (which is a terrible place and no one should go there) to pick some apples and be adorable in fall surroundings. Despite all the good apples being in the forbidden forest (okay, this technically wasn’t another Harry Pottery Day, but I incorporate the world of Harry Potter anywhere I can) it was still a great time. We ate kettle corn, juggled, climbed trees and jousted with the apple pickers. I do not think we will be asked back to Pippin Orchard (not that we care).
Pizza, Mashed Potatoes, Taco Crescents, Apple Pie & Ice cream
This is where it goes from bad to worse. The beginning of the end. From moderate overeating to the depths of obesity. Soon as we got home my mom made pizza to put even more weight on us to keep us from leaving. But that’s not all, while the pizza was cooking, Lisa, Megan and I started making an apple pie with our freshly picked apples. The pizza finished cooking at about the same time we were done preparing the pie, so as our pie cooked we ate pizza. I also had a bowl of butter with a side of mashed potatoes. When we were done with that, the pie still wasn’t ready so we made crescent rolls filled with beef and cheese. After we had our taco crescents, the apple pie had finally finished baking so Lisa and I each had a pie à la mode.
The worst part: this wasn’t even dinner. This was to hold us over until dinner. In short, we ate pizza, mashed potatoes and taco crescents, while we waited for our apple pie to bake while we waited for dinner.
BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches, BBQ chips, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Apple Pie & Ice Cream, Hostess Cupcake
“Go big or go home,” that’s what I told myself and that’s what killed me. After I had one BBQ pulled pork sandwich and BBQ chips while watching game 2 of the ALCS, I could not stop thinking about the rest of pork just sitting in the kitchen waiting to be eaten. I figured since I already hated myself for how much I consumed in one weekend it can’t get much worse (SPOILER: I was wrong) so I had ANOTHER SANDWICH. My mom didn’t even try to stop me, further proof that she wanted me eat myself into obesity and stay home for eternity. Also worth mentioning, every time I walked into the kitchen I took a chocolate chip cookie because I have no self-control.
After David Ortiz once again reminded the world exactly why he is worth $14 million and lead the Red Sox to the best win in this year’s postseason thus far, Lisa, Megan and I watched the 90’s classic Clueless. Since the theme of the weekend was “eat until you feel like you want to crawl into a deep hole and die where no one will find your morbidly obese corpse” we each had another piece of apple pie à la mode. After the movie, we rolled ourselves downstairs to finally go to bed. And I took a Hostess Cupcake on the way, just for good measure.
stay gold & eat til hurts (or maybe don’t),