Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 3

In case you missed Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 1 and Part 2…here are more words that have spewed from my mouth.

“If there are only two things I love it’s stormtroopers and swag.”

“There’s nothing grosser than Justin Bieber’s mustache.”

“Tonight I’m going to see the 5 greatest people on this Earth.” (on attending a One Direction concert)

“When I don’t have a book to read it’s like my life has no meaning.”

“I’m pretty sure if I walked home from here I would get home first.” (in traffic, 34 miles from home)

“I might as well have been shot.” (on not having enough storage to take a Snapchat video)

“This is what the Jews must have felt like when Moses led them through the desert.” (walking from the end of a parking lot to the store)

“It enrages me when my burger doesn’t come with french fries. It just- I can’t- my inside is just- flames. There are flames in my core.”

“What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and smashed potatoes?”
Smashed potatoes have skin in it.
“Oh, so you mean ruined potatoes?”

“I would kill anyone who put a pickle spear on my plate. I would kill them with the spear from the pickle.”

“The most bangin thing Jesus did was turn water into wine.”

“Anyone who eats Kit Kats without breaking off each piece deserves to perish.”

“If you talk while Taylor Swift says ‘this sick beat,’ you are dead to me.”

“This song [Cruise] is the absolute bane of my existence.”

“If I see #RE2PECT one more time I’m going to throw up on everyone.”

“The day Leo wins an Oscar will be the best day of my life.”

“Honestly, I can’t think of anything worse than special reports that interrupt regularly scheduled programs.”

“I could write a Shakespearean tragedy about my lack of empanadas.”

“Everyone is better than Miley Cyrus.”

“My phone is at 3%. This is the worst fate.”

“I’ve had to pee like 17 times today and I didn’t even drink that much so I’m probably dying.”

“If I could eliminate anything in this world it would be country music.”

“I hate doors than aren’t automatic, what am I? A peasant?”

“Now I’m Facebook messaging on my phone from Safari like a homeless person.”

“There is nothing worse than when reality competition shows don’t go your way.”

“If Internet Explorer was a building I would burn it to the ground.”

“I hope he gets into a fight with someone he loves today.” (road rage)

“One good dead? ONE good deed?! I would rather be a dog than watch 99 more episodes of this.” (throwback to 7-year-old me watching 100 Good Deeds for Eddie McDowd)

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31 Pieces Of Proof That Heidi Klum Is Perfect

Fun Fact: Beyoncé wrote Flawless about Heidi Klum.
Sad Fact: No, she didn’t. (But she could have)

1. She is GORGEOUS

2. She doesn’t need make up to be beautiful
Honestly, Heidi, how do you do that with your face? Your face is naturally perfect and science can’t explain it.

3. Her legs
Her legs are so important sometimes she has to whip ’em out on crazy Spanish talk shows.

4. She is the Halloween Queen
Heidi Klum Halloween
Heidi is not a basic bitch. She doesn’t use Halloween as an excuse to slut up her look, she goes all in with her costumes and outdoes herself every year.

5. Tim Gunn is the ultimate gay best friend
Heid Klum and Tim Gunn
Tim and Heidi are the most fabulous duo of all time. I bet they go to brunch and then do some shopping and catch up on the latest gossip. THEY’RE SO CUTE.

6. Her accent

You’re out. Auf wiedersehen.

7. That time she was in a Guitar Hero commercial

NBD. Just Heidi being super sexy while playing video games. 

8. She can outshine a cheeseburger
Did you even notice the delicious looking burger? Or did your eyes not see anything beyond Heidi’s blinding beauty?

9. You can imagine having a burger with her
Heidi Klum burger 2
She is so chill. She doesn’t seem like the type where you have to be fancy to impress her and she’s German so you know she’ll knock back a couple beers too. She might even burp and it be would the best burp to ever grace your ears/nose.

10. She eats french fries at the Golden Globes
Heidi Klum french fries
Heidi knows that there’s never a wrong time to enjoy french fries.

11. She eats ice cream
Heidi Klum and ice cream
Even though she maintains a supermodel body, she knows that ice cream is essential to a life of happiness.

12. She eats pizzaHeidi Klum pizza
I like a girl who knows how to eat.

13. She even pretended to work at a pizza place on I Get That A Lot


14. She goes to Disneyland and wears Mickey earsImage
She’s not even embarrassed to be freaking out way harder than a child.

15. She has a line of baby clothes
truly scrumptious heidi klum
Truly Scrumptious is sold at Babies R Us and you can dress your baby to perfection thanks to Heidi.

16. Psy made a Gangnam Style video with her

She is obviously down for anything. SHE IS SO FUN.

17. She goes on hikes with her dogs
Heidi Klum and dogs
Just casually looking flawless on a mountain with her pups.

18. One of her dogs is named Simba
Heidi Klum Simba 4

19. She’s great at making silly faces
How is she still perfect with such crazy eyes?

20. She has a line of active wear and looks flawless when she works out
Heidi Klum hknb
You can get all your gym clothes from HKNB so you can be just like Heidi when you work out. LOL JK YOU’LL NEVER BE HEIDI.

21. She makes masterful art with great messages
heidi klum art
*Heidi Klum’s beauty is eternal.

22. She drives a convertible (in photo shoots)
heidi klum convertible
This can only lead to the greatest road trip of all time. Or trip to the supermarket. Who cares where you’re going? You’re in a convertible with Heidi Klum.

23. She’s a great TV host
Heidi Klum Tim Gunn Emmy Outstanding Reality TV Host
She won an Emmy for Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program and wrongfully lost 3 other nominations. I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW SHE ONLY WON ONCE!

24. She goes on boats
heidi klum on a boat
Imagine exploring the sea  with Heidi. You could go on adventures and experience the world together, you could braid each other’s hair and she’d reveal the secret to perfection…

25. She likes sports
Heidi Klum at a football game
Heidi may be the greatest supermodel in the universe but that doesn’t mean she’s too girly to enjoy a football game.

26. She loves to hang out with her mom
Heidi Klum and her mom
What’s cuter than Heidi hanging out at an amusement park with her mom and the largest bunch of balloons you’ve seen outside of Up? NOTHING.

27. She is fearlessheidi klum and tarantula
Just look at how that tarantula is perched on her graceful hands so close to her perfect face…I wish I was that tarantula.

28. She was on a Swimsuit cover for Sports Illustrated
Heidi Klum SI Swimsuit
She is always the hottest babe at the beach.

29. She’s the hottest Victoria’s Secret Angel ever
Heidi Klum Victoria's Secret
Just the hottest of all time, and she has serious competition. HER BODY IS PERFECT.

30. She looks amazing in face paintSeal and Heidi Klum face paint
Being a cheetah never seemed more appealing.

31. She rocks blonde and brunette hair
Heidi Klum brunette
Even when she’s not a blonde bombshell, she’s a bombshell nonetheless.

In short:
everything's perfect Heidi Klum

I’m in love with you, Heidi.
lesbian crush

12 Reasons To Never Leave Your House Again

Let’s all agree to become homebodies, kay?

1. Pants are optional
take off pants
Pants only function is to constrict your dreams and happiness. If you have the choice to never wear pants again, you make that choice.

take off pants (2)
You have the right to remain pantless. ‘MURICA.

3. You can be fat
No need to keep up appearances any more! The glory of never leaving your house means never having to wear a bathing suit at the beach! So you eat all those Ben & Jerry’s pints because no one has to look at your increasingly obese body ever again.

4. You don’t have to talk to people
I hate talking to people
There is nothing more awful and awkward than human interaction. Not to mention that people kind of suck…you’re better off avoiding people all together by staying home.

5. You can read all day
You can finally make a dent in your ever-growing book list. Work your way through A Song of Ice and Fire, read the classics you never got around to or you can even read Twilight. You never leave the house so no haters be trippin’ on your swag.

6. Netflix
ScandalOrange is the New BlackHouse of Cards? Yes, yes and yes! Watch all of the episodes because no one is stopping your Netflix binge!

7. There’s temperature control
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You never have to deal with going outside into a hurricane, blizzard or heat wave. Thank your roof, heater and AC for staying dry at a nice 72º!

8. Your bed is in your house
Nothing is better than curling up in your bed. NOTHING. So why ever leave it?

9. Public intoxication is not a concern
drinking (3)
There’s no need to worry about staying decent in public places or having to find a designated driver if you’re drinking at home! Drink away, my friend.

10. Delivery
Hello, pizza, Chinese and Peapod! Since you can be as fat and disgusting as your clogged heart desires you can get all your favorite fatty foods delivered right to your front door. Go ahead and become friends with the delivery guy because you’ll be seeing a lot of each other.

11. Online shopping
Run out of remote batteries? Getting too fat to fit into your clothes? Bookshelf looking bare? Amazon is there to help you out! Don’t go outside and buy your necessities at a store, there’s nothing you need that can’t be ordered online. Fact. (probably)

12. Did I mention that you don’t have to wear pants?
take off clothes

7 Reasons I Should Be Justin Bieber’s Life Coach

Justin is going off into the deep end, it needs to stop and I think I could help.

1. I’m Not Afraid To Tell Him No

Teenage boys want to do really stupid things. Justin is a teenage boy, therefore he wants to do really stupid things; but no one stops him because he is who he is and he has more money than he knows what to do with. I am the oldest of four siblings and therefore used to saying no to really adorable children. I think I could handle saying no to a Canadian pop star.

2. I Care About Him
I’ve been a fan for years, I’m not going to be tweeting #FreeJustin but I’m still pulling for him. I clearly do not support his choices and am disappointed in the kind of person he is becoming, but Never Say Never Justin is still in there and I want to see him come back.

3. I Make Good Choices (usually)
make good choices
No on is perfect, but I’d like to think I have pretty decent moral standing and generally I choose to do the right thing. He needs some more good influences around him and less rappers who want to egg the neighbor’s house.

4. I Will Give Him A Break From The Media

I don’t even have 200 followers on Twitter. A step out of the limelight is more than overdo for the Biebz. He can just come and hang out with me in Boston, away from the media (or as away as Justin Bieber can get). He’ll stop tweeting, take a complete break from all media and actually pay attention to world around him.

5. I Can Give Him Perspective

Sure he wasn’t always famous and he and his single mom went through tough times when he was younger, but he was pulled out of the real world when he was just 14-years-old. Over the last 6 years I think he’s lost touch with the reality of life while he’s been living the life of the rich and famous. I’m not saying it’s easy going on a world tour and making albums, but he’s forgotten what it’s like to go without all the pleasures of life. He’s been able to get anything and go anywhere he wants since 2008. I don’t even like to splurge on a cannoli so I can save my money to go on one vacation with my friends.

6. I Know Stuff

I may not have a degree (yet) but I’m studying PR and psychology, both of which could benefit Justin right now. Not to say that I’m expert by any means, but I have enough basic and fundamental knowledge that I could help a brotha out.

7. He Doesn’t Know Me
JBiebz has a lot of people who take care of him: his mom, his manager Scooter, big bro Usher…but clearly whatever they are or aren’t doing to help is not clicking with him. Whether they’re trying to let him make his own mistakes and find his own way (it’s gone too far) or they have run out of ways to tell him the same thing (“don’t be an idiot”) it’s not working. While I may not have the most earth shattering advice (and criticism) for him, I’m a new face to him. Maybe somewhere inside me I have the exact words or exact smack upside the head that he needs to get him make a change for the better.

Winter Break

I haven’t posted during winter break because I was:

a) packing for a trip back to Australia
b) volunteering in a third world country and bettering the world
c) studying up and preparing for next semester
d) lazy

Let’s just think of my lack of posting as a winter hiatus. The important thing is that I’ll be posting again because I know you all have missed me so much, or haven’t even noticed I took a blogging break…either way I’m back.

Here’s what I did during my 4 week break:

  • Read

That’s it. I crawled deep into my cave of antisocial stagnation and hibernated there for a month. Even social media, which is just pretending to be social, was too social for me. I wasn’t even a person, I just morphed into a Christmas cookie-consuming extension of my couch.

You couldn’t have been less productive than me if you tried. I didn’t even go on a Netflix binge like an average college student, I still have only seen one episode of Scandal. I walked away from break only slightly more knowledgeable about Greek mythology thanks to Percy Jackson (which I borrowed from my 11-year-old sister).

stay gold & see you when I morph back into a human (never),

My 5 Spirit Animals

Your spirit animal is meant to be a representation of the traits and skills that you are supposed to learn or have. I’m indecisive and have a few different sides to me so I couldn’t pick just one. Here are my 5 spirit animals:

Koalas sleep 18-22 hours a day and when they wake up they eat and then go back to sleep. They sleep so much because the foods they eat literally do not give them enough energy or nourishment to stay awake. Koalas look so cuddly and cute but they actually have razor sharp claws and can be really aggressive; they’re very territorial and do not like to be messed with. If you replace every “koala” with “Briana,” pretty much everything here remains true.

Goldfish don’t have stomachs, so they are never “full.” As long as there is food available, they will eat it. Goldfish will literally overeat themselves to death. No further explanation needed.

While this isn’t necessarily 100% scientifically accurate, it’s a great (pseudo) fact. Almost everything makes me panic and stress out, and I have been known to say a few dramatic things here and there. Therefore, octopus = spirit animal #3.

The kid in the Totino’s Pizza Rolls commercial

Let’s count the ways Totino’s Pizza Rolls Kid is my spirit animal.
1. “Mom, we’re dying.” -TPRK. I call my mom all the time and ask pretty much everything about having a functional life because I can’t do anything on my own. Also, I’m a bit dramatic (see: Octopus, above).
2. TPRK cannot see the pizza rolls that are right in front of his face. Despite being placed in Hufflepuff on Pottermore, I am not a particularly good finder. I’ve lost my phone and pen under my own butt, and have stared directly at the thing I am looking for an almost infinite amount of times.
3. Finally, TPRK leaves his phone in the freezer after he takes out the beloved pizza rolls. I leave my phone everywhere and then can’t find it (see: #2). “Can you call my phone?” will likely be written on my tombstone.

According to this quiz my animal personality is the wolf. Apparently, “wolf people are known for their strong instincts, sharp intelligence, and their appetite for freedom.” The wolf is also associated with tight bonds with family and close friends, and a tendency to feel threatened because of its lack of trust in itself and others. Most importantly they’re the symbol for the Starks, so I’m basically in House Stark. #THENORTHREMEMBERS

What’s your spirit animal?

The Worst Betrayal To Ever Happen*

*to a mentally unstable, baseball-obsessed 21-year-old girl.

Yesterday my world came crashing to halt when I found out that I had been betrayed by my first true love. Jacoby Ellsbury signed a seven year deal with the Evil Empire. Of all the teams in all of baseball, he signed with the damn Yankees. Jacoby is going to be donning pinstripes and making $153 million for 70% of the next decade. To a 21-year-old college senior, seven years is far beyond the foreseeable future. It will go to the end of the 2020 season and I will be half way dead. My friends might be getting married and having children within that time. Poor, unfortunate children who will be born into a world where Jacoby plays for the wrong side of baseball’s greatest rivalry.

Think of it this way, seven years ago it was 2006. There had never been a black president or an iPhone and skinny jeans were just introduced into the fashion world. The #1 single of the year was “Bad Day,” The Departed won the Academy Award for Best Picture and That’s So Raven was still on the Disney Channel. Britney Spears had never been bald, Robert Pattinson was not a sparkly vampire and Justin Bieber was just a random 12-year-old in Canada. IT WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD. Seven years might as well be forever.

The Yankees have single-handedly ruined the next seven years of my life. What am I supposed to do with all of my Jacoby Ellsbury paraphernalia? Can I wear my Ellsbury jersey? Can I hang my autographed photo? Can I drink my Zinfandellsbury wine? Do I have to take him off my wall of men? How am I supposed to forget the last six years of love and happiness we shared and shun him as a traitor? That’s six years of emotional and financial investments that can’t easily be erased.

No matter what the future holds, the Yankees can’t pay $153 million to change the past. Let’s take a look back on our love story my deep and very concerning delusions.

In September 2007 Jacoby Ellsbury was called up from Pawtucket and added to the Red Sox’s 40 man roster. I didn’t know anything about him except that he was a rookie and as fast as a leopard. I always had a soft spot for rookies and I loved him before I was in love with him. He was Rookie of the Month for September and lit up the ALCS and World Series as the starting center fielder. When I watched a playoff game on my Uncle’s HD TV, I realized what a babe Jacoby is and that’s when I began to lose all remnants of my sanity. To top it all off, he won free tacos for all of America. How could you not fall in love? I went to the parade and displayed my love for him.Image

November 10, 2007 was a magical day. As most love stories go, I was 15 and awkward and waiting in line to meet and get an autograph from the love of my life. I got the front and on my photo he wrote: “To: Briana. Jacoby Ellsbury 46” “My Dearest Briana, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? With love, Jacoby♥”

May 21, 2008 I went to my first Red Sox game and since Jacoby knew how special it was to me, he hit me a home run and the Red Sox won the game.

September 11, 2012 my friends and I went to the Red Sox game on Jacoby’s birthday. Even though the Red Sox were completely out of the running for postseason, it was a great game. Jacoby hit a walk-off to beat the Yankees. I nearly died.Image

Jacoby played like the all star he is throughout the 2013 postseason. My mom and I went to ALCS Game 6 where I first found that he changed his walkout song. When I heard “Niggas in Paris,” one of my favorite songs, I lost my mind. It was another sign that we were meant to be together. During Game 6 of the World Series we watched Jacoby’s last at bat in a Red Sox jersey and there was some memorable base running to go along with it.

Then the season ended. Jacoby was a free agent and he would not be returning to Boston. I tried to mentally prepare myself to bid adieu to my favorite Sox player. He wasn’t my favorite just because he is a major babe (Major Babe), my boy has mad baseball skills. The Yankees aren’t paying him $153 million for his good looks. At his best, Jacoby is a superstar on the field. I miss him already.

Now my first celeb husband plays for a team I hate with the fire of a thousand suns. So if you need me, I’ll be listening to “Someone Like You” and crying for the next seven years.
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