Jack Madness

There are far too many Jacks to keep jack track of. Not only do we all indeed “know jack,” but we know far too many. It’s time to see who is the real MVJ (Most Valuable Jack). We must make them fight to the death in the Jack Games because there can only be one Jacklander. We must determine who is the Jack of All Trades. This calls for a Jack Bracket — a JACKet.

Jack Donaghy gif

First, let’s meet the 16 Jack-testants.

Jack Dawson
Jack from Titanic gif
The artist/poor boy/gambler/heartthrob from Titanic. *swOooOOon*

Jack Frost
Jack Frost The Santa Clause 3
The asshole who tries to ruin Christmas in The Santa Clause 3: The Sequel That Literally No One Wanted To Happen.

Jack Builder
Jack Builder
There’s some cheese, a rat, a cat, a dog, a cow with a crumpled horn, a maiden all forlorn, a man tattered and torn, a judge all shaven and shorn, a rooster that crowed at morn, a farmer sowing his corn, a horse, a hound and a horn all in the house this Jack built.

Jack Ryan
Jack Ryan Chris PIne
The former Marine turned CIA ~shadow recruit~ who is tasked with saving the U S of A.

Jack Skellington
Nightmare Before Christmas gif
The Pumpkin King in a town of Halloween.

Jack Torrance
The Shining gif
Here’s…the psycho murderer of The Shining.

Jack Sparrow
Captain Jack Sparrow smirk gif
The rum-loving captain of the Black Pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jack (and the Beanstalk)
Jack and the Beanstalk castle
The kid who sells his cow for beans and steals from giants.

Jack (and Jill)
jack and jill nursey rhyme
The kid who went to fetch some water with his…sister? What is their relationship, exactly?

Jack Frost
Rise of the Guardians gif
The fun-loving prankster who saves all the children in the world in Rise of the Guardians.

Jack Bauer
24 gif
The best man in the Counter Terrorist Unit and saver of America on several occasions on 24.

Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner plum thumb
The good boy who stuck his thumb in a pie and pulled out a plum. I don’t get it either.

Jack Tripper
Three's Company gif
Janet and Chrissy’s clumsy, lovable and “gay” roommate on Three’s Company.

Jack Shepard
Lost gif
The spinal surgeon stranded on a batshit island where literally no Oceanic 815 survivors would be alive without him.

Jack Bristow
Alias gif
The CIA badass who will do literally anything to protect his daughter on Alias.

Jack Donaghy
Jack Donaghy gif
Womanizer, Republican and Head of NBC on 30 Rock.

Time to take a look at the JACKet.

The Sweet 16
JACKet Sweet 16

Jack Dawson v. Jack Frost (The Santa Clause 3)
This is a real layup for Dawson. Upon sight of Dawson’s flowing hair and charismatic smirk, Frost becomes so filled with warmth and delight his frostiness melts away.
Winner by titanic proportions: Jack Dawson
Titanic Jack gif

Jack Builder v. Jack Ryan
Of the nursery rhyme Jacks, Builder is the only capable of actually doing anything. Although his carpentry is no match for the Marine/stock brokering/CIA skills of Ryan. Ryan could kill the rat, cat, dog, cow with a crumpled horn, maiden all forlorn, man tattered and torn, judge all shaven and shorn, rooster that crowed at morn, farmer sowing his corn, horse, hound and horn all in the house that Jack built and get away with it. Or save them from an oncoming second Great Depression put in motion by the Russians.
Winner by everything in Jack’s house: Jack Ryan
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit 

Jack Skellington v. Jack Torrance
The only arrow Torrance has in his quiver is psycho murder. I’d like to see him try to kill a skeleton. Not to mention Skellington has sweet song set he can use as a distraction before making his move.
Winner by length of his grin: Jack Skellington
Nightmare Before Christmas gif

Jack Sparrow v. Jack Beanstalk
Beanstalk doesn’t stand a chance against the sly and crafty ways of the swashbuckling Sparrow. Everyone’s favorite captain would manipulate Will Turner into chopping down the beanstalk and be drunk on a beach with rum before Beanstalk could steal a single golden egg.
Winner by a Black Pearl’s worth of rum: Jack Sparrow
Capt Jack Sparrow

Jack (and Jill) v. Jack Frost
Little known fact: Frost created the ice patch that made Jack fall down, break his crown and cause Jill to go tumbling after.
Winner by an avalanche: Jack Frost
Rise of the Guardians Jack Frost gif

Jack Bauer v. Jack Horner
This is the only complete shut out of the series. Bauer does not have time for Horner’s shit. He puts a bullet in Horner’s head, shooting right through the plum.
Winner by the amount of people he’s killed: Jack Bauer
24 gun gif

Jack Tripper v. Jack Shepard
The goofy, clumsy and slapstick comedy ways of the faux gay ex-Marine are no match for the spinal surgeon who took leadership of a misfit group of survivors, always knew what to do in a crisis and saved hundreds of lives on and off The Island. Shephard repeatedly dunks on Tripper until he over dramatically collapses on the floor.
Winner by the amount of people he has ever been personally responsible for: Jack Shepard
Lost gif

Jack Bristow v. Jack Donaghy
This is the closest match up of the Sweet 16. Bristow and Donaghy are both middle-aged white men of power and means, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want (even if ethically ambiguous). But Bristow’s daughter is thing he values most in the world while Donaghy puts more worth in his own wallet and self-interest. Bristow’s purer motives gives the edge he needs in this match up.
Winner by the lengths he would go to protect his daughter: Jack Bristow
Alias gif

Time to check back in with the JACKet.

The Elite 8
JACKet Elite 8

Jack Dawson v. Jack Ryan
It’s the battle of the blue eyed babes. Dawson and Ryan both get lost in the sea of each other’s eyes, piercing into their souls. They begin gasping for air as they get pulled deeper into the abyss of the other’s magical optical orbs. Before Dawson can drown in the depth of Ryan’s cerulean sight spheres, Dawson (wise from past experience) gets on a damn door and floats to safety; leaving Ryan to spiral alone in the stormy sea of Dawson’s voluptuous vision globes.
Winner by sparkle in his eyes: Jack Dawson
Leonardo DiCaprio Titanic gif

Jack Skellington v. Jack Sparrow
This is not the first time Sparrow had to face off against an (un)dead skeleton. Sparrow has evaded death and fought off a whole crew of dead pirates, so he can handle the lone Skellington. Although returning the Aztec gold back to Isla de Muerta won’t help the cunning captain defeat the Pumpkin King, unleashing the kraken and sending him down to Davy Jones ought to do the trick.
Winner by the braided goatee on his chinny chin chin: Jack Sparrow
Pirates of the Caribbean gif

Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians) v. Jack Bauer
Frost’s playful and devious ways aren’t enough to surmount Bauer’s badassery. Though Frost can wield the forces of nature with his staff, Bauer has shot a woman’s leg just to make a point and would never allow Frost to even lift his staff before taking his game-winning shot.
Winner by the time it takes him to decide to fire his gun: Jack Bauer
24 gif

Jack Shepard v. Jack Bristow
Bristow may have the world’s greatest father/daughter relationship and go above and beyond to keep her safe, but Doctor Savior Shepard acted as a physician, leader, mentor and friend to the 48+ survivors of the plane crash. The herd’s shepherd did everything in his power to keep them safe from harm’s way.
Winner by the metaphorical staff which he uses to shepherd his flock: Jack Shephard
Lost gif

Time for another JACKet update.

The Final 4
JACKet Final 4

Jack Dawson v. Jack Sparrow
It’s a box office brawl. The devastatingly dashing Dawson takes on the swagger-savvy Sparrow. Both are thrill-seeking vagabonds who are masters of charm, wit and devilishly disarming grins. One: an eccentric pirate whose only love greater than women is rum; the other: a genuine-hearted orphan intent on not wasting the gift of life. These worthy adversaries fight til the last second on the clock. But at the sounds of buzzer it’s apparent that not even the sly Sparrow can taint Dawson’s good nature.
Winner by purity in his soul: Jack Dawson
Titanic gif

Jack Bauer v. Jack Shephard
This is a true small screen standoff. Bauer and Shephard are the no-nonsense overlords of hour long dramas; no Jacks know how to leave you on the edge of your couch, counting the seconds til next week’s episode better than them. Whether they’re fighting off a terrorist attack or “The Others,” both Jacks always leave you craving more. Bauer, although has saved millions of people throughout his career, has never had to deal with the likes of a smoke monster on a time-travelling island while saving the world every 108 minutes.
Winner by the amount of times anyone said “someone get Jack!”: Jack Shephard
Lost gif

JACKet time.

Championship Game
JACKet Championship

Jack Dawson v. Jack Shephard
It’s the final Jack Off. Two Jacks enter, one Jack leaves. Both are exemplary Jack specimen but only one can walk away as the Jack Champion. In one corner we have the poor, world-travelling artist who wears his heart on his sleeve. Opposite him we have smart, successful doctor who refuses to accept defeat. Dawson willing to die for the woman he loves; Shephard always trying fix whatever he can. Both are Jacks of good heart and strong will that take the Jack Games into overtime. Going toe-to-toe in chivalry, honor and overall Jackness, Dawson and Shephard fight hard to become Jack of All Trades. At the end of the grueling game there is only one Jack standing, one Jack victor, one Jack to rule them all: the Jack with the purest heart and mind, the Jack with the most positive outlook on the world, the Jack who makes each moment count.
Winner by the tip of the iceberg: Jack Dawson
Titanic Jack Dawson gif

The JACKet Champion
JACKet Champ

Jack of All Trades: Jack Dawson
He’s not just Jack, he’s the Jack. He’s the Jack that led Titanic to be the highest grossing movie of all time (at the time), the Jack that we’ll never let go of. This jaw-dropping Jack is the one Jack that made it through the sea of 16 Jacks to earn the title “Jack of All Trades.”  Although he congratulates his fellow Jack-testants on their efforts and appreciates their Jackness, he knows he is the one true Jacklander.
Jack Dawson

Cheers to the Jack of All Trades, the King of the World and MVJ; here’s to making it count.Jack Dawson cheers gif

 

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The 19 Worst Things In The World

1. Getting stuck in traffic
stuck in traffic gif

2. When burgers don’t come with french fries

Cheeseburger
Who decided it was okay to deny basic human rights?

3. When the fries come with a goddamn pickle

fries with pickles
PICKLE JUICE RUINS LIVES

4. Hand sanitizer on open wounds

hand saniitizer

5. DVR cuts off the end of a TV show

watching TV and crying

6. Anaconda

I will never forgive Nicki Minaj for defiling an American classic.

7. Not breathing through your nose

stuffy nose
The ability to breathe through your nose is one of life’s treasures that goes unnoticed until it’s not there.

8. Cha Cha from Grease

cha cha digregorio from Grease dancing gif
A true villain.

9. People who find Benedict Cumberbatch attractive

Benedict Cumberbatch
…Why? It’s apparently a big deal and people are somehow finding themselves extremely attracted to him. But they are wrong, he is not attractive and here’s 917 people that are hotter than Benedict Cumberbatch.

10. People who talk to you while you’re reading

reading and looking annoyed
Can’t you see I’m occupied?

11.Country music

This makes me want to roll my window down and jump the f#$& out.

12. Warm toilet seats

warm toilet seat

13. Fake pockets

fake pockets

14. Brain freeze

Scrubs brain freeze
The only negative side effects of a Frosty.

 

15. WET. SOCKS.

Wet socks
The worst fate.

16. Static when your favorite songs comes on

happy then mad gif
Uhmm…I was listening to that.

17. When there’s too many people watching Netflix

locked out of Netflix
But I want to watch my show!

18. Three dot text bubbles

text 3 dot typing gif

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!

 

19. When someone asks if you’re sick…and you’re not

tired face on phone
Thanks for asking but that’s just my face, I guess I’ll pretend I’m tired or something.

Disney Couples: A Definitive Ranking

Some true loves are greater than other true loves.

20. Snow White & The Prince

snow white and the prince
I do not care if they are the first Disney couple or if this was the first full length animated film, Snow White and The Prince are as boring as they are ugly. The Prince is such a boring love interest that he literally doesn’t even have name. The four seconds of screen time they have together consists of them talking at a well, The Prince kissing her corpse, Snow White waking and then they are in love, apparently. Their love story can best described in one word: snoozefest.

19. Cinderella & Prince Charming

cinderella and prince charming
I don’t understand why they are the power couple of the Disney world. Cinderella is blonde and basic. Prince Charming has no personality or smarts. He literally couldn’t recognize his true love‘s face, he hoped that only one girl in the kingdom had that size shoe. Great.

18. Princess Aurora & Prince Philip

princess aurora and prince phillip
We’re getting warmer. They at least met once upon a dream and have some basis of a relationship. He still kisses a corpse, but at least he knows her a little better first?

17. Ariel & Prince Eric

ariel and prince eric
SHE LEAVES HER FAMILY FOR A MAN SHE HAS NEVER SPOKEN TO. Sure, they’re cute and who doesn’t love “Kiss The Girl?” But the foundation of their love is based on the fact that she thinks he’s a babe and has a dog.  Which tbh are important things in a relationship, but there needs to be more.

16. Lady & Tramp

lady and tramp spaghetti kiss
They are responsible for the most iconic Disney kiss of all time. But without The Spaghetti Kiss, they are nothing.

15. Robin Hood & Maid Marian

robin hood and maid marian
Sure it starts as a love from afar and Robin doesn’t know much about Maid Marian at first, but when they meet they are both smitten for each other. Good guy Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to poor, Maid Marian is sweet and innocent…overall they are pretty cute together.

14. Bob & Helen Parr (Mr. Incredible & Elastigirl)

Bob and Helen Parr Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl
They are a ~super~ couple. ツ

13. Tiana & Prince Naveen

tiana and prince naveen
He starts off as a prick. But Tiana’s fierce and sassy self turns him around to become a decent guy worthy of marriage, so they’re pretty cool. But not great.

12. Pocahontas & John Smith

Pocahontas and John Smith meeting
INTERACIAL COUPLE YAaaAAaSsS! They broke that color barrier like a plate at a Greek wedding. Pocahontas and John are both willing to sacrifice their lives and fight their own families/friends to be with each other. While their love seems to be strong and true…they don’t even end up together. BOOO

11. Tarzan & Jane Porter

tarzan and jane porter
If this was a ranking of the thirstiest Disney couples, they would easily be in the number one spot. They are obviously great together and as precious as a teacup pig, but you have to consider the fact Jane is literally the only human lady that Tarzan has any recollection of. Not that Jane isn’t great, but she’s his only option.

10. Hercules & Megara

Hercules and Megara
Zero to Hero Herc falls for the wily ways of Meg upon first meeting. Even though she starts as temptress and trap from the Underworld God/comedian Hades, eventually she (won’t admit) she falls in love with the heart beneath Hercules’s rippling pectorals. Hercules gave up eternity as a Greek god so that he could be with Meg. No pressure to stay together forever or anything.

9. Pacha & Chicha

Pacha and Chicha
First thing’s first, they the realest. Pacha and Chicha are the only couple here who were together since before the movie started. Even though we don’t get to watch them fall in love, we get to see them as a family and see where their love has taken them. They have the marriage we dream all the other Disney couples will have.

8. Fa Mulan & Li Shang

Mulan and Shang
Shang definitely bagged the baddest lady love interest. They literally saved China together. If they can defeat the Huns, they can defeat whatever relationship problems the future holds.

[Author’s note: it is officially becoming painstakingly difficult to rank the couples]

7. Simba & Nala

Simba and Nala
Who doesn’t love a good ol’ childhood friends turned couple story? NO ONE. It’s a great story: best friends since forever, separated for years by an evil scheme only to be reunited and save Pride Rock. All hail the king and queen of the jungle. *bows down*

6. Belle & Adam (Beast)

Belle and Beast
Anyone thinking “stockholm syndrome” can kindly close this page. Those who do not understand the magic of this love is not welcome. She falls in love with him despite his beastly appearance. He gives her a library. TRUE LOVE.

5. Nani & David

Nani and David and Lilo on beach
They are by far the most underrated couple of the Disneyverse. Can we take a minute to appreciate how great David is? He is absolutely smitten with Nani and would do anything for her. Even though Nani tells him point blank that she doesn’t have the time or energy to put into a relationship, David is not discouraged. He is always there for Nani, even as just a friend, and understands that Lilo is the most important thing in her life. He does everything he can for Nani and Lilo without expecting anything in return. He is loyal, patient and gives Nani the time and space she needs until she is ready for a relationship. Hawaiin hearthrob alert.

[Author’s note: this is the point where I start to physically feel the anxiety]

4. Anna & Kristoff

Kristoff lifting Anna Frozen
Anna and Kristoff are absolutely perfect together despite the clunky way he walks, the grumpy way he talks and the pear-shaped, square-shaped weirdness of his feet. If they don’t have a song together even more wonderful and adorable than “Love Is An Open Door” in the Frozen sequel then I will cry frozen tears of eternal sadness.

3. Rapunzel & Eugene Fitzherbert (Flynn Rider)

Flynn and Rapunzel with cupcakes in doorway
The lost princess. The reformed thief. A new dream. Cupcakes. It’s hard to imagine anything can be better than their love story. They challenge each other, they save each other and they teach each other on their journey in falling in love with each other. Excuse me while I sit in a corner and cry about my expectations for true love that will never be met.

2. Carl & Ellie

Carl and Ellie
*tries not to cry* The beginning of Up has more emotion, love and heartbreak in 2 minutes and 51 seconds than should be legal. Carl and Ellie grow old together the way every couple dreams about. They face tough times but they make it through together, believing that their adventure is out there. *cries a lot*

1. Aladdin & Princess Jasmine

Aladdin and Jasmine balcony
The greatest love story ever told. Aladdin doesn’t fall in love with a princess, he falls in love with the beautiful, smart, funny and independent girl he met at the marketplace. Jasmine doesn’t fall in love with Prince Ali, she falls in the love with the charming, daring, thoughtful and endearing street rat with a heart of gold who saved her in the marketplace.  Their love is pure, eternal and the greatest of them all.

 

Who do you think is the greatest Disney couple?
Comment below!

A Definitive Ranking Of One Direction’s Music Videos

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

9. “Gotta Be You”

I need to start off with a disclaimer: all of these videos are great. Just because this one is bringing up the rear doesn’t negate it’s greatness, there’s just some really stiff competition.  All the boys look adorable and oh so charming dressed up in their winter wardrobe (that I wouldn’t mind sharing with them), but that’s really the best thing the “Gotta Be You” video has to offer.

8. “What Makes You Beautiful”

Disclaimer #2: this is not a ranking of songs, otherwise this would obviously be much higher on the list, it’s all about the video.  This video makes you want to drive around and hang out at the beach with your five best foreign friends with the most FHP (future hot potential).

7. “Story of My Life”

This video hits you right in your feels. Who doesn’t love recreations of family photos? No one. Because they’re great.  This video is filled with recreations of family photos.  Therefore, this video is great.  Transitive property.  Boom, math.

6. “One Thing”

What’s not to love about the boys running amok around London?  It’s so wonderful that you really have to watch it at least five times (one time focus on each guy, obviously) to make sure you catch each and every moment of greatness.

5. “Best Song Ever”

Cinematic classic.   It has the most “boyband dancing” we’ll likely ever see from One Direction (because they’re pretty bad dancers in the most amazing kind of way). But the best part of video can be summed up in one word: Marcel.

4. “Little Things”

Black and white. Liam and Niall playing guitar.  No girls, so it’s like the boys are singing just to you. I. Can’t. Handle. It.

3. “Live While We’re Young”

ALERT: WE HAVE REACHED FHP.  This is arguably the most attractive the boys have looked as a whole.  And has anyone ever done more fun doing anything than the people in this music video? No, because this is most fun anyone has ever had in the history of the universe.  Also the combination of Zayn, Harry before all his stupid tattoos, Zayn, big balls, this dance, and Zayn is killer.

2. “One Way Or Another (Teenage Kicks)”

Because of when Niall frolicked like this niall

when Zayn seduced you with his eyebrows like thisZayn

when Louis hip thrusted like thislouis hip thrust

when Liam lead a conga line like this lialm

and when Harry was the cutest thing since Marcel. Harry
And it was for charity.  Because Niall, Zayn, Louis, Liam and Harry are great humans.

1. “Kiss You”

SO TELL ME GIRL IF EVERY TIME WE TO-O-UCH YOU GET THIS KIND OF RU-U-USH — oh, sorry did you say something? I can’t hear you over the sound of watching this perfect music video 7,348,234 times.