Jack Madness

There are far too many Jacks to keep jack track of. Not only do we all indeed “know jack,” but we know far too many. It’s time to see who is the real MVJ (Most Valuable Jack). We must make them fight to the death in the Jack Games because there can only be one Jacklander. We must determine who is the Jack of All Trades. This calls for a Jack Bracket — a JACKet.

Jack Donaghy gif

First, let’s meet the 16 Jack-testants.

Jack Dawson
Jack from Titanic gif
The artist/poor boy/gambler/heartthrob from Titanic. *swOooOOon*

Jack Frost
Jack Frost The Santa Clause 3
The asshole who tries to ruin Christmas in The Santa Clause 3: The Sequel That Literally No One Wanted To Happen.

Jack Builder
Jack Builder
There’s some cheese, a rat, a cat, a dog, a cow with a crumpled horn, a maiden all forlorn, a man tattered and torn, a judge all shaven and shorn, a rooster that crowed at morn, a farmer sowing his corn, a horse, a hound and a horn all in the house this Jack built.

Jack Ryan
Jack Ryan Chris PIne
The former Marine turned CIA ~shadow recruit~ who is tasked with saving the U S of A.

Jack Skellington
Nightmare Before Christmas gif
The Pumpkin King in a town of Halloween.

Jack Torrance
The Shining gif
Here’s…the psycho murderer of The Shining.

Jack Sparrow
Captain Jack Sparrow smirk gif
The rum-loving captain of the Black Pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jack (and the Beanstalk)
Jack and the Beanstalk castle
The kid who sells his cow for beans and steals from giants.

Jack (and Jill)
jack and jill nursey rhyme
The kid who went to fetch some water with his…sister? What is their relationship, exactly?

Jack Frost
Rise of the Guardians gif
The fun-loving prankster who saves all the children in the world in Rise of the Guardians.

Jack Bauer
24 gif
The best man in the Counter Terrorist Unit and saver of America on several occasions on 24.

Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner plum thumb
The good boy who stuck his thumb in a pie and pulled out a plum. I don’t get it either.

Jack Tripper
Three's Company gif
Janet and Chrissy’s clumsy, lovable and “gay” roommate on Three’s Company.

Jack Shepard
Lost gif
The spinal surgeon stranded on a batshit island where literally no Oceanic 815 survivors would be alive without him.

Jack Bristow
Alias gif
The CIA badass who will do literally anything to protect his daughter on Alias.

Jack Donaghy
Jack Donaghy gif
Womanizer, Republican and Head of NBC on 30 Rock.

Time to take a look at the JACKet.

The Sweet 16
JACKet Sweet 16

Jack Dawson v. Jack Frost (The Santa Clause 3)
This is a real layup for Dawson. Upon sight of Dawson’s flowing hair and charismatic smirk, Frost becomes so filled with warmth and delight his frostiness melts away.
Winner by titanic proportions: Jack Dawson
Titanic Jack gif

Jack Builder v. Jack Ryan
Of the nursery rhyme Jacks, Builder is the only capable of actually doing anything. Although his carpentry is no match for the Marine/stock brokering/CIA skills of Ryan. Ryan could kill the rat, cat, dog, cow with a crumpled horn, maiden all forlorn, man tattered and torn, judge all shaven and shorn, rooster that crowed at morn, farmer sowing his corn, horse, hound and horn all in the house that Jack built and get away with it. Or save them from an oncoming second Great Depression put in motion by the Russians.
Winner by everything in Jack’s house: Jack Ryan
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit 

Jack Skellington v. Jack Torrance
The only arrow Torrance has in his quiver is psycho murder. I’d like to see him try to kill a skeleton. Not to mention Skellington has sweet song set he can use as a distraction before making his move.
Winner by length of his grin: Jack Skellington
Nightmare Before Christmas gif

Jack Sparrow v. Jack Beanstalk
Beanstalk doesn’t stand a chance against the sly and crafty ways of the swashbuckling Sparrow. Everyone’s favorite captain would manipulate Will Turner into chopping down the beanstalk and be drunk on a beach with rum before Beanstalk could steal a single golden egg.
Winner by a Black Pearl’s worth of rum: Jack Sparrow
Capt Jack Sparrow

Jack (and Jill) v. Jack Frost
Little known fact: Frost created the ice patch that made Jack fall down, break his crown and cause Jill to go tumbling after.
Winner by an avalanche: Jack Frost
Rise of the Guardians Jack Frost gif

Jack Bauer v. Jack Horner
This is the only complete shut out of the series. Bauer does not have time for Horner’s shit. He puts a bullet in Horner’s head, shooting right through the plum.
Winner by the amount of people he’s killed: Jack Bauer
24 gun gif

Jack Tripper v. Jack Shepard
The goofy, clumsy and slapstick comedy ways of the faux gay ex-Marine are no match for the spinal surgeon who took leadership of a misfit group of survivors, always knew what to do in a crisis and saved hundreds of lives on and off The Island. Shephard repeatedly dunks on Tripper until he over dramatically collapses on the floor.
Winner by the amount of people he has ever been personally responsible for: Jack Shepard
Lost gif

Jack Bristow v. Jack Donaghy
This is the closest match up of the Sweet 16. Bristow and Donaghy are both middle-aged white men of power and means, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want (even if ethically ambiguous). But Bristow’s daughter is thing he values most in the world while Donaghy puts more worth in his own wallet and self-interest. Bristow’s purer motives gives the edge he needs in this match up.
Winner by the lengths he would go to protect his daughter: Jack Bristow
Alias gif

Time to check back in with the JACKet.

The Elite 8
JACKet Elite 8

Jack Dawson v. Jack Ryan
It’s the battle of the blue eyed babes. Dawson and Ryan both get lost in the sea of each other’s eyes, piercing into their souls. They begin gasping for air as they get pulled deeper into the abyss of the other’s magical optical orbs. Before Dawson can drown in the depth of Ryan’s cerulean sight spheres, Dawson (wise from past experience) gets on a damn door and floats to safety; leaving Ryan to spiral alone in the stormy sea of Dawson’s voluptuous vision globes.
Winner by sparkle in his eyes: Jack Dawson
Leonardo DiCaprio Titanic gif

Jack Skellington v. Jack Sparrow
This is not the first time Sparrow had to face off against an (un)dead skeleton. Sparrow has evaded death and fought off a whole crew of dead pirates, so he can handle the lone Skellington. Although returning the Aztec gold back to Isla de Muerta won’t help the cunning captain defeat the Pumpkin King, unleashing the kraken and sending him down to Davy Jones ought to do the trick.
Winner by the braided goatee on his chinny chin chin: Jack Sparrow
Pirates of the Caribbean gif

Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians) v. Jack Bauer
Frost’s playful and devious ways aren’t enough to surmount Bauer’s badassery. Though Frost can wield the forces of nature with his staff, Bauer has shot a woman’s leg just to make a point and would never allow Frost to even lift his staff before taking his game-winning shot.
Winner by the time it takes him to decide to fire his gun: Jack Bauer
24 gif

Jack Shepard v. Jack Bristow
Bristow may have the world’s greatest father/daughter relationship and go above and beyond to keep her safe, but Doctor Savior Shepard acted as a physician, leader, mentor and friend to the 48+ survivors of the plane crash. The herd’s shepherd did everything in his power to keep them safe from harm’s way.
Winner by the metaphorical staff which he uses to shepherd his flock: Jack Shephard
Lost gif

Time for another JACKet update.

The Final 4
JACKet Final 4

Jack Dawson v. Jack Sparrow
It’s a box office brawl. The devastatingly dashing Dawson takes on the swagger-savvy Sparrow. Both are thrill-seeking vagabonds who are masters of charm, wit and devilishly disarming grins. One: an eccentric pirate whose only love greater than women is rum; the other: a genuine-hearted orphan intent on not wasting the gift of life. These worthy adversaries fight til the last second on the clock. But at the sounds of buzzer it’s apparent that not even the sly Sparrow can taint Dawson’s good nature.
Winner by purity in his soul: Jack Dawson
Titanic gif

Jack Bauer v. Jack Shephard
This is a true small screen standoff. Bauer and Shephard are the no-nonsense overlords of hour long dramas; no Jacks know how to leave you on the edge of your couch, counting the seconds til next week’s episode better than them. Whether they’re fighting off a terrorist attack or “The Others,” both Jacks always leave you craving more. Bauer, although has saved millions of people throughout his career, has never had to deal with the likes of a smoke monster on a time-travelling island while saving the world every 108 minutes.
Winner by the amount of times anyone said “someone get Jack!”: Jack Shephard
Lost gif

JACKet time.

Championship Game
JACKet Championship

Jack Dawson v. Jack Shephard
It’s the final Jack Off. Two Jacks enter, one Jack leaves. Both are exemplary Jack specimen but only one can walk away as the Jack Champion. In one corner we have the poor, world-travelling artist who wears his heart on his sleeve. Opposite him we have smart, successful doctor who refuses to accept defeat. Dawson willing to die for the woman he loves; Shephard always trying fix whatever he can. Both are Jacks of good heart and strong will that take the Jack Games into overtime. Going toe-to-toe in chivalry, honor and overall Jackness, Dawson and Shephard fight hard to become Jack of All Trades. At the end of the grueling game there is only one Jack standing, one Jack victor, one Jack to rule them all: the Jack with the purest heart and mind, the Jack with the most positive outlook on the world, the Jack who makes each moment count.
Winner by the tip of the iceberg: Jack Dawson
Titanic Jack Dawson gif

The JACKet Champion
JACKet Champ

Jack of All Trades: Jack Dawson
He’s not just Jack, he’s the Jack. He’s the Jack that led Titanic to be the highest grossing movie of all time (at the time), the Jack that we’ll never let go of. This jaw-dropping Jack is the one Jack that made it through the sea of 16 Jacks to earn the title “Jack of All Trades.”  Although he congratulates his fellow Jack-testants on their efforts and appreciates their Jackness, he knows he is the one true Jacklander.
Jack Dawson

Cheers to the Jack of All Trades, the King of the World and MVJ; here’s to making it count.Jack Dawson cheers gif

 

Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 2

A couple months ago I posted Dramatic Things I’ve Said, but I’ve continued to speak in hyperbole over the last 6 months.

Here are some more words that have actually come out of my mouth:

“But then the poster’s not centered and I would rather kill myself.”

“There’s nothing better than a really great snapchat.”

“I would saw off my own foot and eat it to have a chance to be in the clubhouse champagne celebration [after the Red Sox won the World Series]”

“Pants only purpose is to disrupt my happiness.”

“Potato skins in my mashed potatoes would literally ruin my Thanksgiving.”

“Is it going to rain? Because that would probably ruin my life.”

“I would choose death over crunchy peanut butter.”

“Oatmeal raisin cookies are the bane of my existence.”

“Short girls who date tall guys are worse than oatmeal raisin cookies.”

“I would sooner hang myself than write a 20 page paper.”

“Any parent who names their kid Golden should be shot execution style.”

“I would rather be shot in the face by Kim Kardashian than drink PBR.”

“Black ginger babies are the antichrist.”

“If Chris and Liam Hemsworth both peered into your eyes at the same time, you would be cleansed of all your sins and ailments.”

“Of all the things in the world, the Wonderball is my favorite.”

“‘But your booty don’t need explainin’ is the greatest lyric of all time. I’m going to get it tattooed on my face.”

“Not having emojis is a fate worse than death.”

“I’m so hungry that if you put red paint on cardboard, shredded yellow play-doh over and called it pizza I would eat it.”

“If I saw Lebron James in real life I would karate chop him in the throat.”

13 Things That Make Me Really Angry

1. My blankets being pulled off
Image
There’s no reason for this kind of torture.  I get that I’m not a morning person, but you’re better off waking me up by blasting the most annoying song of all time and hitting me with a rolled up newspaper than pulling my blankets off me.  My bones are made of pure stubborn and I will bitterly lie in bed in defiance.

2. Birds
loading gun
They are untrustworthy, evil creatures and deserve no mercy.

3. Spoilers
anger (2)
Here are the Official Spoiler Rules.  If you break any of these rules, you’re dead to me.

4. When the toilet flushes before I’m ready
anger (5)
Did it look like I was done?  Sorry, but I think wiping is important.

5. Misuse of “literally”
really (3)
Really? Were there literally a million people in Starbucks? Because I’m pretty sure the maximum capacity isn’t even 1,000.

6. When I lose a sneeze
stare down
Where did it even go?

7. People eating my food
punch you in the face
That’s a surefire way to lose a hand.  If you eat my food you either didn’t ask or completely disregarded my answer because
my answer is always no.  Either way, you will feel my wrath.

8. Nazis
anger (6)
Seriously, what are they all about?

9. ATM machine
anger (4)
Do you need to go to the automated teller machine machine? No, because that’s not a thing and you’re an idiot. (see also: PIN number, VIN number, LCD display and BU BUS)

10.  George R. R. Martin
anger (7)
What happened in your childhood that made you become a man who can only find happiness in other people’s pain and misery?

11. Movie actors/actresses on book covers
anger
Just no. Brad Pitt isn’t in a book

12. When people cut me in line
angry knife
I’ll cut you back.

13. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
anger (8)
The #1 reason for trust issues, probably.  What’s the point of a cookie that appears to have chocolate but doesn’t? Disappointment and broken dreams.

Bucket List

In no particular, here are some things that I need to do before I kick the bucket (which will be never because I’m banking immortality).  Food for thought: anyone who makes any of the following happen wins my eternal love, which is as warm and wonderful as sunshine and unicorns.

Swim With Dolphins
swimming with dolphins - Briana
This one is in particular order.  Swimming with dolphins is the most important thing on this list, by far.  I LOVE DOLPHINS. THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL AND MAJESTIC CREATURES.  But if when I swim with dolphins it will probably be the last thing I do because it’s more than likely that I quit being human, forgot all my worldly responsibilities and join their pod.

See Broadway’s The Lion King
lion_king_broadway_a_l
I got to check this off my bucket list a few years when my grandma gave me the best gift I’ve ever received in the form of tickets to see The Lion King.  The Lion King is my favorite movie of all time and I’ve loved it since the first time I saw it and thought Mufasa was sleeping.  When I went to the Sunday matinée of The Lion King, surrounded by small children, shamelessly crying in the lobby, and finally sitting on the aisle as the animals marched down during “The Circle of Life,” it was a dream coming to life and one of my best memories.

Be One Less Lonely Girl
justin-bieber-one-less-lonely-girl-south-africa -Briana
I get it, everyone hates the Biebz and I am super lame for loving him.  Whatever.  The heart wants what it wants and I can’t help it.  At all of his concerts, JBiebz gives flowers to and serenades one lucky fan during “One Less Lonely Girl.”  Yes, I know Justin has been going in a downward spiral the last several months, but I’m pulling for him to make a comeback.  Even with his mishaps and regrettable actions of late, I still love his music (with the except of his recent “Music Monday” releases) and want to go to a concert.  Here’s hoping they’re not still picking tweens and I’m not middle-aged by the time that happens *fingers crossed*

Rap “Ice Ice Baby” In It’s Entirety
Vanilla-Ice-007
lol, I can’t explain this.  Just accept it and move on.

Break A Record
dark knight ride - everyone

I got to check this off my bucket list at Six Flags Great Adventure.  My friends and I went to Six Flags on a less-than-ideal-weather day which worked greatly in our favor.  No one showed up and we waited in almost no lines.  Everything was going splendidly until it started to thunder…  The Dark Knight Coaster was the only thing open since it was an indoor roller coaster.  We went in, befriended the ride attendants and rode the coaster 27 times without getting off.  It was the most anyone had gone on that ride in a row.  That’s what I call a rainy day victory (future band name?).

Get Slimed
slime - Briana
OBVIOUSLY. This shouldn’t need an explanation.  I grew up on ’90s Nickelodeon, I’ve been fantasized about being covered in slime since approximately forever.

Visit Every MLB Park
Fenway_from_Legend's_Box
It’s no secret that I love baseball.  I care more about the Red Sox than some people I know (don’t worry, it’s not you), but I also love baseball in general.  It’s the greatest sport and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.  I would love nothing more than spending a summer on a road trip across America (and Canada) watching a game in all 30 of the MLB ballparks.  I’ve got three down (Fenway, Dodger Stadium and AT&T Park) but there’s still 27 to go…so who needs plans for this summer??

Watch  A Game From The Green Monster
Green Monster
I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THIS.  Okay, so I didn’t technically have tickets, or sit there or watch the whole game…but I got watch five glorious innings of baseball from the most iconic and recognizable part of Fenway.  Even though I still want to get tickets on the Monster and see a whole game from an actual seat…this still gets to be crossed off the list.

Be A Part Of A Heist
Oceans-Eleven - Briana
I’ve already talked about how much I criminals.  I figure the best way to find one, is to become one.  I need a solid group of people who know what they’re doing and have my back.  Once we we have that, NO ONE ELSE CAN JOIN. You NEVER trust the last guy to join a heist, he is up to no good.  Everyone will wear perfectly fitted leisure suits, everything will go according to plan until the tech guy needs five more minutes to unlock the door/shut down the cameras/turn off the laser sensors/deactivate the alarms/whatever tech guys do but WE DON’T HAVE FIVE MINUTES! So we get creative, improvise, and overcome the obstacles in our way to pull off a perfectly orchestrated heist.  I see no flaws in my plan.

Be On Survivor
survivor - Briana
Maybe I don’t have the physical, mental or emotional strength to successfully make it through the show…yet.  But to that I have two responses: 1. YET. I don’t have to go on Survivor tomorrow.  There’s still time for me to become better equipped for the show.  This stage in my life is all about gaining experiences to help me grow as a person, right? (I’m gonna need a real answer here, I know nothing about life.) 2. People more useless than me have won in the past.  Amber won because she was really pretty and Boston Rob took her to the end.  With my current skill set and life experience (none and none), I’m totally capable of coat tailing to the end.

Dramatic Things I’ve Said

I have a tendency to be a bit dramatic.  I often exaggerate and have frequent physical reactions to things many think are inconsequential.  But in the words of Cameron Tucker: “I can’t turn it off, it’s who I am!”  My friend had me start keeping note of the dramatic things I say in everyday life.  It turns out that it happens a lot.

Here are some actual things that I’ve said in real life:

“When I lose a sneeze I feel like an Indian who just had his picture taken; like I lost a piece of my soul.”

“I’m so hungry I think I’ll die in the night”

“When I accidentally sing a song I don’t like it makes me want to hurl my body off the highest peak of a mountain.”

“Country music eats away at my soul.”

“When I saw the Taylor Swift goat video it changed my life for the better.”

“This is how my body reacts when my dreams come true.” (after flailing around Wal-Mart because of nail polish)

“I can climb the track like a ladder and walk faster than this ride.” (on The Cyclone, top speed 55 mph)

“If Ellen gave me tickets to meet One Direction I would become a heap on the floor and have to mop up my own tears with my body.”

“A piece of me dies every day I don’t go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.”

“I would rather chew off my own foot and eat it than buy a book with the movie poster as the cover.”

“If Miley Cyrus wins best female music video I will drown myself in the tears of Billy Ray Cyrus.”

“This breeze is Jesus telling us He cares.”

“It was like I found a piece of my heart that I didn’t know was missing.” (on seeing live boyband dancing)

“Well, I saw the Backstreet Boys last weekend so we’re gonna have to accept that rest of the weekends in my life will be living in that shadow.”

Criminal Complex

I love criminals.

Not murders or rapists or anything violent like that.  I’m not crazy.

I love thieves and con artists.  Not the boring businessmen who steal from their own companies or cheat on their taxes or whatever it is they do on Wall Street– but real criminals who rob banks, take from the wealthy, and make money through deception and good looks.

As a student who has completed three psych classes psychology expert, I have diagnosed myself with something I completely made up developed over years of research called The Criminal Complex.  Throughout my life I have grown fond of and cultivated an attraction to thieves and con men.  I traced the roots of my abnormal mental state all the way back to infancy.  With a fair amount of confidence, I can say that my Criminal Complex originates from Disney’s Aladdin.

I have only lived in a world without Aladdin for the first six months of my life; so as long as I can remember there has always been Aladdin.  I don’t know a world without the street rat with a heart of gold, the thief with a kind soul, the diamond in the rough.  I probably watched Aladdin about eight billion times as a child; it shaped my life in many ways and I still have a very real cartoon crush on Aladdin to this very day.

My problems began exactly here:

YES, I TRUST YOU

YES

Jasmine trusted Aladdin and they ended up riding off into the night on a magic carpet and lived happily ever after.  I make almost all of my decisions and spend most of time trying to embody Princess Jasmine.  Therefore, I need to fall in love with and marry a common criminal (with a heart of gold).  LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME, DISNEY.

My problems continued in 1997 with the release of Anastasia and the introduction of the lovable and handsome con artist, Dimitri.
Dimitri

Sure, Dimitri starts off on a bad foot…he lies to Anastasia and tries to use her to get the reward money from a sweet old woman looking for her long-lost granddaughter…but he’s a con artist, it’s what he does! But he becomes a better person after falling for the adorable “Anya” and doesn’t even take the reward money in the end.  TRUE LOVE TURNS CRIMINALS INTO HONEST AND MORALLY JUST PEOPLE.  That’s what my childhood taught me.

It wasn’t until 2010 when I finally realized there was a pattern in my animated loves.  Eugene Fitzherbert, better known as Flynn Rider, of Tangled was the third victim in my serial obsessing.
Flynn Rider

The man with the smolder stole my heart like he stole the crown from the royal family.  In addition to his thievery skills, Eugene has dashing good looks and all the best lines in the movie.  *cue swooning*  So what if he stole a crown from the kingdom, double crossed his own partners in crime, and tried to weasel out of his deal with Rapunzel…HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE FOR HIS DREAM AND ONE TRUE LOVE.  Once again movies have taught me that true love will change a troubled soul into a pure one.

There are a multitude of live-action movies that also influenced my love of thieves and con artists (Ocean’s 11, The Town, Catch Me If You Can) but the foundation was set by the animated movies of my childhood.  If there’s one thing these movies taught me it’s that really attractive criminal heartthrobs will change their ways if they fall in love with you.

The moral of the story is: I love criminals.  Or maybe it’s just guys with really great hair…
Both is good

stay gold & pay for my therapy,
Briana