12 Ways To Get A Girl To Go Out With You

“Can I buy you a drink?” “No.”

1. Buy her a book
buy a book not a drink
Alternatively you can give her a library.

2. Give her your Netflix password
napolean dynamite netflix meme
The modern “dinner and movie” is Netflix and pizza. Speaking of which…

3. Follow her home and deliver her a pizza
pizza delivery man
If you see a girl you like, follow her until she goes home. Once you know where she lives, go to the nearest pizza place and buy one large pizza. You might be a stalker, but you have pizza.

4. Buy her concert tickets
concert tickets
“I couldn’t help but notice your adorable and not all uncomfortable public dancing to Shake It Off, want to go see Taylor Swift?”

5. Pretend your a secret agent and you need her help
Film Title: The Bourne Legacy
If she’s alone hurriedly sit at her table, maybe jump in her car/taxi, or just start walking with her and hold her hand. Explain to her you’re being followed by very dangerous people and she needs to act natural. Bonus points if you have a motorcycle and bag presumably filled with money or the secret formula for saving the human race. She might freak out and/or punch you in the face for being so invasive OR it might be totally awesome.

6. Ask her if she wants to go out for some caramels
caramels candy
Preface by telling your friends: “I gotta go see about a girl.” Caramels are just as arbitrary as coffee and if she doesn’t get the reference it’s not your fault.
If you got all 3 references, A+. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, stop reading now and take 2 hours and 6 minutes out of your day to watch one of the best movies ever made.

7. Buy her ice cream
ice cream gif
It is scientifically proven* that no one can deny ice cream.

*No, it’s not. But it might as well be.

8. Gather up your acapella buddies and serenade her

9. Hang out the side of your best friend’s ride and try to holler at her
people in car
Just kidding, she don’t want no scrubs.

10. Look her up and down and say “How you doin’?”
friends gif how you doin
WARNING: If she hasn’t seen Friends she will think you are extremely creepy. (But she hasn’t seen Friends, so it wouldn’t work out anyway)

11. Call her name, hand her a rose and ask if she will accept it
bachelor rose gif
If she accepts, go on an extremely extravagant first date (e.g. helicopter ride over the city, go to a recording studio to be serenaded by Seal, ride a gondola in Venice) and share way more about your life story than you would in any normal first date circumstance.

12. Run up to her, tag her, yell “you’re it,” then run away
cute cat and dog gif
If she plays along, run to a place that has delicious cheeseburgers.

13 Things That Make Me Really Angry

1. My blankets being pulled off
There’s no reason for this kind of torture.  I get that I’m not a morning person, but you’re better off waking me up by blasting the most annoying song of all time and hitting me with a rolled up newspaper than pulling my blankets off me.  My bones are made of pure stubborn and I will bitterly lie in bed in defiance.

2. Birds
loading gun
They are untrustworthy, evil creatures and deserve no mercy.

3. Spoilers
anger (2)
Here are the Official Spoiler Rules.  If you break any of these rules, you’re dead to me.

4. When the toilet flushes before I’m ready
anger (5)
Did it look like I was done?  Sorry, but I think wiping is important.

5. Misuse of “literally”
really (3)
Really? Were there literally a million people in Starbucks? Because I’m pretty sure the maximum capacity isn’t even 1,000.

6. When I lose a sneeze
stare down
Where did it even go?

7. People eating my food
punch you in the face
That’s a surefire way to lose a hand.  If you eat my food you either didn’t ask or completely disregarded my answer because
my answer is always no.  Either way, you will feel my wrath.

8. Nazis
anger (6)
Seriously, what are they all about?

9. ATM machine
anger (4)
Do you need to go to the automated teller machine machine? No, because that’s not a thing and you’re an idiot. (see also: PIN number, VIN number, LCD display and BU BUS)

10.  George R. R. Martin
anger (7)
What happened in your childhood that made you become a man who can only find happiness in other people’s pain and misery?

11. Movie actors/actresses on book covers
Just no. Brad Pitt isn’t in a book

12. When people cut me in line
angry knife
I’ll cut you back.

13. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
anger (8)
The #1 reason for trust issues, probably.  What’s the point of a cookie that appears to have chocolate but doesn’t? Disappointment and broken dreams.

5 Reasons Why Postseason Baseball Is The Greatest Thing That Will Ruin Your Life

If you don’t like baseball I feel sorry for you.  Baseball is a game of patience and nothing is more rewarding than advancing in the postseason after 162 games of hard play.  Nothing gets my heart racing and excitement up like baseball, especially October baseball.  But there is nothing more painstakingly heartbreaking than watching my team waste opportunities, blow a lead, lose a game or at the very worst, lose the series.

In short, baseball is the greatest thing on Earth that will rip your heart out and leave lying on the cold hard ground. Here’s why:

1. Every Play Matters
Every. Single. Play. Sure, every play matters in regular season too, but there’s also so many more opportunities to make up an error or blow a lead.  If a player makes a game losing error, he has 161 games to balance it out.  If a team is at the top of it’s division in June, there’s still three months to fall behind.  Not in October.  There are just five or seven games, tops.  One missed double play, one man left on base, one misplaced pitch, one perfectly placed line drive, one sac fly, or one home run can make or break the series.

2. Anything Can Happen
The air is electric; the players, the stands and everyone at home can feel it.  Regular season W’s and stats don’t mean anything here. The slate is wiped clean, tensions are high and the stakes are even higher.  You never know what’s going to happen; players steal home, pitchers throw no-hitters, perfect games and bats.  The uncertainty of it all is enough to drive you mad and keep you glued the game.  It’s fantastically beautiful torture.

3. Icons Are Made
Curt Schilling’s bloody sock.

Babe Ruth’s called shot.

Willie Mays’ catch.

Carlton Fisk waving the ball fair.
These are just some of the most iconic moments and images in baseball.  All in October.  None forgotten.

4. It’s Not Over ‘Til It’s Over
A team can be one out away from elimination or clinching the series and everything can change with one pitch.  As long as there’s a pitcher on the mound and batter in the box, it ain’t over.  No matter how grim a circumstance appears, there’s always hope in baseball.  As Earl Weaver said: “You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You’ve got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.”
See: 2004 ALCS

5. The Celebrations
To anyone who thinks baseball is boring, how can you not love…
The unadulterated euphoria

The unrivaled triumphs

The celebratory champagne

And this.