Dramatic Things I’ve Said Part 2

A couple months ago I posted Dramatic Things I’ve Said, but I’ve continued to speak in hyperbole over the last 6 months.

Here are some more words that have actually come out of my mouth:

“But then the poster’s not centered and I would rather kill myself.”

“There’s nothing better than a really great snapchat.”

“I would saw off my own foot and eat it to have a chance to be in the clubhouse champagne celebration [after the Red Sox won the World Series]”

“Pants only purpose is to disrupt my happiness.”

“Potato skins in my mashed potatoes would literally ruin my Thanksgiving.”

“Is it going to rain? Because that would probably ruin my life.”

“I would choose death over crunchy peanut butter.”

“Oatmeal raisin cookies are the bane of my existence.”

“Short girls who date tall guys are worse than oatmeal raisin cookies.”

“I would sooner hang myself than write a 20 page paper.”

“Any parent who names their kid Golden should be shot execution style.”

“I would rather be shot in the face by Kim Kardashian than drink PBR.”

“Black ginger babies are the antichrist.”

“If Chris and Liam Hemsworth both peered into your eyes at the same time, you would be cleansed of all your sins and ailments.”

“Of all the things in the world, the Wonderball is my favorite.”

“‘But your booty don’t need explainin’ is the greatest lyric of all time. I’m going to get it tattooed on my face.”

“Not having emojis is a fate worse than death.”

“I’m so hungry that if you put red paint on cardboard, shredded yellow play-doh over and called it pizza I would eat it.”

“If I saw Lebron James in real life I would karate chop him in the throat.”

12 Reasons To Never Leave Your House Again

Let’s all agree to become homebodies, kay?

1. Pants are optional
take off pants
Pants only function is to constrict your dreams and happiness. If you have the choice to never wear pants again, you make that choice.

2. I REPEAT: YOU CAN GO PANTLESS FOREVER.
take off pants (2)
You have the right to remain pantless. ‘MURICA.

3. You can be fat
eating
No need to keep up appearances any more! The glory of never leaving your house means never having to wear a bathing suit at the beach! So you eat all those Ben & Jerry’s pints because no one has to look at your increasingly obese body ever again.

4. You don’t have to talk to people
I hate talking to people
There is nothing more awful and awkward than human interaction. Not to mention that people kind of suck…you’re better off avoiding people all together by staying home.

5. You can read all day
books
You can finally make a dent in your ever-growing book list. Work your way through A Song of Ice and Fire, read the classics you never got around to or you can even read Twilight. You never leave the house so no haters be trippin’ on your swag.

6. Netflix
watch-tv-all-day
ScandalOrange is the New BlackHouse of Cards? Yes, yes and yes! Watch all of the episodes because no one is stopping your Netflix binge!

7. There’s temperature control
cold (2)
You never have to deal with going outside into a hurricane, blizzard or heat wave. Thank your roof, heater and AC for staying dry at a nice 72º!

8. Your bed is in your house
bed
Nothing is better than curling up in your bed. NOTHING. So why ever leave it?

9. Public intoxication is not a concern
drinking (3)
There’s no need to worry about staying decent in public places or having to find a designated driver if you’re drinking at home! Drink away, my friend.

10. Delivery
pizza_delivery
Hello, pizza, Chinese and Peapod! Since you can be as fat and disgusting as your clogged heart desires you can get all your favorite fatty foods delivered right to your front door. Go ahead and become friends with the delivery guy because you’ll be seeing a lot of each other.

11. Online shopping
Shopping-online
Run out of remote batteries? Getting too fat to fit into your clothes? Bookshelf looking bare? Amazon is there to help you out! Don’t go outside and buy your necessities at a store, there’s nothing you need that can’t be ordered online. Fact. (probably)

12. Did I mention that you don’t have to wear pants?
take off clothes
BE FREE OF PANTS

13 Things That Make Me Really Angry

1. My blankets being pulled off
Image
There’s no reason for this kind of torture.  I get that I’m not a morning person, but you’re better off waking me up by blasting the most annoying song of all time and hitting me with a rolled up newspaper than pulling my blankets off me.  My bones are made of pure stubborn and I will bitterly lie in bed in defiance.

2. Birds
loading gun
They are untrustworthy, evil creatures and deserve no mercy.

3. Spoilers
anger (2)
Here are the Official Spoiler Rules.  If you break any of these rules, you’re dead to me.

4. When the toilet flushes before I’m ready
anger (5)
Did it look like I was done?  Sorry, but I think wiping is important.

5. Misuse of “literally”
really (3)
Really? Were there literally a million people in Starbucks? Because I’m pretty sure the maximum capacity isn’t even 1,000.

6. When I lose a sneeze
stare down
Where did it even go?

7. People eating my food
punch you in the face
That’s a surefire way to lose a hand.  If you eat my food you either didn’t ask or completely disregarded my answer because
my answer is always no.  Either way, you will feel my wrath.

8. Nazis
anger (6)
Seriously, what are they all about?

9. ATM machine
anger (4)
Do you need to go to the automated teller machine machine? No, because that’s not a thing and you’re an idiot. (see also: PIN number, VIN number, LCD display and BU BUS)

10.  George R. R. Martin
anger (7)
What happened in your childhood that made you become a man who can only find happiness in other people’s pain and misery?

11. Movie actors/actresses on book covers
anger
Just no. Brad Pitt isn’t in a book

12. When people cut me in line
angry knife
I’ll cut you back.

13. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
anger (8)
The #1 reason for trust issues, probably.  What’s the point of a cookie that appears to have chocolate but doesn’t? Disappointment and broken dreams.

Bucket List

In no particular, here are some things that I need to do before I kick the bucket (which will be never because I’m banking immortality).  Food for thought: anyone who makes any of the following happen wins my eternal love, which is as warm and wonderful as sunshine and unicorns.

Swim With Dolphins
swimming with dolphins - Briana
This one is in particular order.  Swimming with dolphins is the most important thing on this list, by far.  I LOVE DOLPHINS. THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL AND MAJESTIC CREATURES.  But if when I swim with dolphins it will probably be the last thing I do because it’s more than likely that I quit being human, forgot all my worldly responsibilities and join their pod.

See Broadway’s The Lion King
lion_king_broadway_a_l
I got to check this off my bucket list a few years when my grandma gave me the best gift I’ve ever received in the form of tickets to see The Lion King.  The Lion King is my favorite movie of all time and I’ve loved it since the first time I saw it and thought Mufasa was sleeping.  When I went to the Sunday matinée of The Lion King, surrounded by small children, shamelessly crying in the lobby, and finally sitting on the aisle as the animals marched down during “The Circle of Life,” it was a dream coming to life and one of my best memories.

Be One Less Lonely Girl
justin-bieber-one-less-lonely-girl-south-africa -Briana
I get it, everyone hates the Biebz and I am super lame for loving him.  Whatever.  The heart wants what it wants and I can’t help it.  At all of his concerts, JBiebz gives flowers to and serenades one lucky fan during “One Less Lonely Girl.”  Yes, I know Justin has been going in a downward spiral the last several months, but I’m pulling for him to make a comeback.  Even with his mishaps and regrettable actions of late, I still love his music (with the except of his recent “Music Monday” releases) and want to go to a concert.  Here’s hoping they’re not still picking tweens and I’m not middle-aged by the time that happens *fingers crossed*

Rap “Ice Ice Baby” In It’s Entirety
Vanilla-Ice-007
lol, I can’t explain this.  Just accept it and move on.

Break A Record
dark knight ride - everyone

I got to check this off my bucket list at Six Flags Great Adventure.  My friends and I went to Six Flags on a less-than-ideal-weather day which worked greatly in our favor.  No one showed up and we waited in almost no lines.  Everything was going splendidly until it started to thunder…  The Dark Knight Coaster was the only thing open since it was an indoor roller coaster.  We went in, befriended the ride attendants and rode the coaster 27 times without getting off.  It was the most anyone had gone on that ride in a row.  That’s what I call a rainy day victory (future band name?).

Get Slimed
slime - Briana
OBVIOUSLY. This shouldn’t need an explanation.  I grew up on ’90s Nickelodeon, I’ve been fantasized about being covered in slime since approximately forever.

Visit Every MLB Park
Fenway_from_Legend's_Box
It’s no secret that I love baseball.  I care more about the Red Sox than some people I know (don’t worry, it’s not you), but I also love baseball in general.  It’s the greatest sport and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.  I would love nothing more than spending a summer on a road trip across America (and Canada) watching a game in all 30 of the MLB ballparks.  I’ve got three down (Fenway, Dodger Stadium and AT&T Park) but there’s still 27 to go…so who needs plans for this summer??

Watch  A Game From The Green Monster
Green Monster
I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THIS.  Okay, so I didn’t technically have tickets, or sit there or watch the whole game…but I got watch five glorious innings of baseball from the most iconic and recognizable part of Fenway.  Even though I still want to get tickets on the Monster and see a whole game from an actual seat…this still gets to be crossed off the list.

Be A Part Of A Heist
Oceans-Eleven - Briana
I’ve already talked about how much I criminals.  I figure the best way to find one, is to become one.  I need a solid group of people who know what they’re doing and have my back.  Once we we have that, NO ONE ELSE CAN JOIN. You NEVER trust the last guy to join a heist, he is up to no good.  Everyone will wear perfectly fitted leisure suits, everything will go according to plan until the tech guy needs five more minutes to unlock the door/shut down the cameras/turn off the laser sensors/deactivate the alarms/whatever tech guys do but WE DON’T HAVE FIVE MINUTES! So we get creative, improvise, and overcome the obstacles in our way to pull off a perfectly orchestrated heist.  I see no flaws in my plan.

Be On Survivor
survivor - Briana
Maybe I don’t have the physical, mental or emotional strength to successfully make it through the show…yet.  But to that I have two responses: 1. YET. I don’t have to go on Survivor tomorrow.  There’s still time for me to become better equipped for the show.  This stage in my life is all about gaining experiences to help me grow as a person, right? (I’m gonna need a real answer here, I know nothing about life.) 2. People more useless than me have won in the past.  Amber won because she was really pretty and Boston Rob took her to the end.  With my current skill set and life experience (none and none), I’m totally capable of coat tailing to the end.

Dramatic Things I’ve Said

I have a tendency to be a bit dramatic.  I often exaggerate and have frequent physical reactions to things many think are inconsequential.  But in the words of Cameron Tucker: “I can’t turn it off, it’s who I am!”  My friend had me start keeping note of the dramatic things I say in everyday life.  It turns out that it happens a lot.

Here are some actual things that I’ve said in real life:

“When I lose a sneeze I feel like an Indian who just had his picture taken; like I lost a piece of my soul.”

“I’m so hungry I think I’ll die in the night”

“When I accidentally sing a song I don’t like it makes me want to hurl my body off the highest peak of a mountain.”

“Country music eats away at my soul.”

“When I saw the Taylor Swift goat video it changed my life for the better.”

“This is how my body reacts when my dreams come true.” (after flailing around Wal-Mart because of nail polish)

“I can climb the track like a ladder and walk faster than this ride.” (on The Cyclone, top speed 55 mph)

“If Ellen gave me tickets to meet One Direction I would become a heap on the floor and have to mop up my own tears with my body.”

“A piece of me dies every day I don’t go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.”

“I would rather chew off my own foot and eat it than buy a book with the movie poster as the cover.”

“If Miley Cyrus wins best female music video I will drown myself in the tears of Billy Ray Cyrus.”

“This breeze is Jesus telling us He cares.”

“It was like I found a piece of my heart that I didn’t know was missing.” (on seeing live boyband dancing)

“Well, I saw the Backstreet Boys last weekend so we’re gonna have to accept that rest of the weekends in my life will be living in that shadow.”

Criminal Complex

I love criminals.

Not murders or rapists or anything violent like that.  I’m not crazy.

I love thieves and con artists.  Not the boring businessmen who steal from their own companies or cheat on their taxes or whatever it is they do on Wall Street– but real criminals who rob banks, take from the wealthy, and make money through deception and good looks.

As a student who has completed three psych classes psychology expert, I have diagnosed myself with something I completely made up developed over years of research called The Criminal Complex.  Throughout my life I have grown fond of and cultivated an attraction to thieves and con men.  I traced the roots of my abnormal mental state all the way back to infancy.  With a fair amount of confidence, I can say that my Criminal Complex originates from Disney’s Aladdin.

I have only lived in a world without Aladdin for the first six months of my life; so as long as I can remember there has always been Aladdin.  I don’t know a world without the street rat with a heart of gold, the thief with a kind soul, the diamond in the rough.  I probably watched Aladdin about eight billion times as a child; it shaped my life in many ways and I still have a very real cartoon crush on Aladdin to this very day.

My problems began exactly here:

YES, I TRUST YOU

YES

Jasmine trusted Aladdin and they ended up riding off into the night on a magic carpet and lived happily ever after.  I make almost all of my decisions and spend most of time trying to embody Princess Jasmine.  Therefore, I need to fall in love with and marry a common criminal (with a heart of gold).  LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME, DISNEY.

My problems continued in 1997 with the release of Anastasia and the introduction of the lovable and handsome con artist, Dimitri.
Dimitri

Sure, Dimitri starts off on a bad foot…he lies to Anastasia and tries to use her to get the reward money from a sweet old woman looking for her long-lost granddaughter…but he’s a con artist, it’s what he does! But he becomes a better person after falling for the adorable “Anya” and doesn’t even take the reward money in the end.  TRUE LOVE TURNS CRIMINALS INTO HONEST AND MORALLY JUST PEOPLE.  That’s what my childhood taught me.

It wasn’t until 2010 when I finally realized there was a pattern in my animated loves.  Eugene Fitzherbert, better known as Flynn Rider, of Tangled was the third victim in my serial obsessing.
Flynn Rider

The man with the smolder stole my heart like he stole the crown from the royal family.  In addition to his thievery skills, Eugene has dashing good looks and all the best lines in the movie.  *cue swooning*  So what if he stole a crown from the kingdom, double crossed his own partners in crime, and tried to weasel out of his deal with Rapunzel…HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE FOR HIS DREAM AND ONE TRUE LOVE.  Once again movies have taught me that true love will change a troubled soul into a pure one.

There are a multitude of live-action movies that also influenced my love of thieves and con artists (Ocean’s 11, The Town, Catch Me If You Can) but the foundation was set by the animated movies of my childhood.  If there’s one thing these movies taught me it’s that really attractive criminal heartthrobs will change their ways if they fall in love with you.

The moral of the story is: I love criminals.  Or maybe it’s just guys with really great hair…
Both is good

stay gold & pay for my therapy,
Briana