7 Reasons I Should Be Justin Bieber’s Life Coach

Justin is going off into the deep end, it needs to stop and I think I could help.

1. I’m Not Afraid To Tell Him No
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Teenage boys want to do really stupid things. Justin is a teenage boy, therefore he wants to do really stupid things; but no one stops him because he is who he is and he has more money than he knows what to do with. I am the oldest of four siblings and therefore used to saying no to really adorable children. I think I could handle saying no to a Canadian pop star.

2. I Care About Him
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I’ve been a fan for years, I’m not going to be tweeting #FreeJustin but I’m still pulling for him. I clearly do not support his choices and am disappointed in the kind of person he is becoming, but Never Say Never Justin is still in there and I want to see him come back.

3. I Make Good Choices (usually)
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No on is perfect, but I’d like to think I have pretty decent moral standing and generally I choose to do the right thing. He needs some more good influences around him and less rappers who want to egg the neighbor’s house.

4. I Will Give Him A Break From The Media
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I don’t even have 200 followers on Twitter. A step out of the limelight is more than overdo for the Biebz. He can just come and hang out with me in Boston, away from the media (or as away as Justin Bieber can get). He’ll stop tweeting, take a complete break from all media and actually pay attention to world around him.

5. I Can Give Him Perspective
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Sure he wasn’t always famous and he and his single mom went through tough times when he was younger, but he was pulled out of the real world when he was just 14-years-old. Over the last 6 years I think he’s lost touch with the reality of life while he’s been living the life of the rich and famous. I’m not saying it’s easy going on a world tour and making albums, but he’s forgotten what it’s like to go without all the pleasures of life. He’s been able to get anything and go anywhere he wants since 2008. I don’t even like to splurge on a cannoli so I can save my money to go on one vacation with my friends.

6. I Know Stuff
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I may not have a degree (yet) but I’m studying PR and psychology, both of which could benefit Justin right now. Not to say that I’m expert by any means, but I have enough basic and fundamental knowledge that I could help a brotha out.

7. He Doesn’t Know Me
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JBiebz has a lot of people who take care of him: his mom, his manager Scooter, big bro Usher…but clearly whatever they are or aren’t doing to help is not clicking with him. Whether they’re trying to let him make his own mistakes and find his own way (it’s gone too far) or they have run out of ways to tell him the same thing (“don’t be an idiot”) it’s not working. While I may not have the most earth shattering advice (and criticism) for him, I’m a new face to him. Maybe somewhere inside me I have the exact words or exact smack upside the head that he needs to get him make a change for the better.

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If You Could Have Dinner With Any 7 Celebrities, Who Would You Pick?

dinner1 I came across this question years ago on Tumblr and still have yet to decide who my 7 celebrity guests would be.  The deadly combination of loving 8 million celebrities and being absurdly indecisive makes it nearly impossible to narrow it down to a mere 7 celebs.  So, I have several tables that I want to sit at and refuse to pick one or rank them in any order.  Here are some of my celebrity tables:

The Smith Family Table I am obsessed with the Smiths. They are the coolest family probably ever and I want to be a part of it.  We would all hang out at our mansion, I would braid Willow’s hair, we’d watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and have rap battles (go to 7:12 for the epicness).  Are you listening Will and Jada? I’m ready to be adopted.

  1. Will Smith – HE IS TOO COOL.
  2. Jada Pinkett Smith – She married the coolest guy around.  That automatically gives her ten thousand swag points.
  3. Willow Smith – Is it bad that one of my role models is 12-years-old? (Don’t answer that.)
  4. Trey Smith – The Smith child no one knows about. I KNOW ABOUT YOU, TREY. He also represents my second chance of joining the Smith family.  If Will and Jada foolishly decide to not adopt me, I’ll have to marry into the family and Trey is the age-appropriate Smith son.  Are you listening, Trey? I’M READY FOR MARRIAGE. (Don’t I sound like a real catch?)
  5. Jaden Smith – Okay, so After Earth wasn’t great.  But the Pursuit of Happyness was, and every time I listen to “Never Say Never” I rewind and listen to his rap again and again.
  6. Usher – The swag at this table is about to breach capacity. He oozes coolness and makes awesome music.  Not to mention he was a huge upgrade from Cee Lo Green as a coach on The Voice. (Are The Voice producers reading this? WE WANT USHER AND SHAKIRA BACK!)  He seems a bit random to be seated at this table, but he makes more sense when you see who #7 is…
  7. Justin Bieber – JBiebz and Jaden are BFFLs.  Justin hangs out at the Smith mansion all the time, so he fits in seamlessly at this table and I love him (hopefully at this family dinner we can address his life and help him get back on track).

The SNL Table Who wouldn’t want to eat with these people who are paid to be funny?

  1. Jimmy Fallon – He is hilarious, he has a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor and he loves games.  Not to mention his dancing.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jimmy Fallon should always be dancing.  Whether he is impersonating Justin Bieber or just doing his own thing, his dancing is definitive proof that love and happiness exist.
  2. Tina Fey – She’s the funniest woman ever. The end.
  3. Amy Poehler – It’s not even an option to separate Amy from Tina, they are a match made in Heaven.
  4. Kristen Wiig – She gives Tina Fey a run for her money for funniest woman.  Who didn’t love Bridesmaids? NO ONE.
  5. Seth Meyers – The Weekend Update is always hilarious and he’s a Red Sox fan. What else could you ask for?
  6. Andy Samberg – His Digital Shorts and The Lonely Island are two of the greatest things to happen in my life.
  7. Justin Timberlake – While not a cast member, he is ALWAYS great when he’s on and also he’s JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He can sit anywhere he wants.  I have placed myself between him and Jimmy so I can be right in the middle of the most adorable and perfect friendship of all time.

The One Direction Table You knew this was coming.  There’s only 5 guests necessary here.

  1. Liam Payne – Flawless human,
  2. Niall Horan – Flawless human.
  3. Zayn Malik  – Flawless human.
  4. Louis Tomlinson – Flawless human.
  5. Harry Styles – Flawless human.

The Avengers Table Because superheroes.  Sorry, ScarJo, but if I invited you to this dinner my female competition goes from zero to infinity.

  1. Chris Hemsworth – It’s inappropriate how many times I’ve Google Image searched “Chris Hemsworth and baby.”  Not to mention he plays the namesake of my future firstborn child.
  2. Tom Hiddleston – He is so silly and too adorable with children. And British. That’s important.
  3. Joss Whedon – He was a writer for The  Avengers and Toy Story, two of the best movies ever.  And his screenplays are amazing and hilarious.
  4. Robert Downey, Jr. – Because obviously.
  5. Jeremy Renner – I would demand kindly request that he speak in his Boston accent from The Town throughout the entire dinner.
  6. Mark Ruffalo – Remember that time he danced to “Thriller” with Jennifer Garner?
  7. Chris Evans – He has played TWO superheroes and he’s from Boston.  Also arms.

The Random Awesomeness Table Pretty much the coolest people who always seem down for anything.

  1. Matt Damon – Good Will Hunting, the Bourne trilogy, Ocean’s Eleven, The Departed…am I naming Matt Damon movies or my favorite movies? The better question is: what’s the difference?  Did I mention that he’s from Boston and loves the Red Sox and he’s pretty much perfect all around?  Well, he is.
  2. Ben Affleck – Matt Damon’s BFFL, another Bostonian and Sox fan, he stars in, writes and directs great movies and unlike the rest of the internet, I don’t hate that he’s going to be Batman.
  3. Hugh Jackman – Have you even seen his 2009 Oscars opening number? IT’S THE GREATEST 7 MINUTES AND 46 SECONDS ON THE INTERNET.
  4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt – He was in a baseball movie, a heist movie, a superhero movie and a Disney movie.  That’s pretty much everything I love.  He also had one of the best opening monologues on SNL.
  5. Anna Kendrick – We have so much in common and would get along so well.  Buzzfeed already pretty much summed up why she would be the most amazing best friend.
  6. Ellen DeGeneres – Does anyone NOT love her? No, because that’s scientifically impossible.  If you don’t love Ellen you have no soul and we can’t be friends.
  7. Heidi Klum – Perfection in human form.

Wait…where’s Jennifer Lawrence? Emma Watson? Jackie Robinson? Jennifer Aniston?  Don’t fret, my friends.  I have not forgotten them, they are seated at my Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Baseball and Friends tables. You can imagine what those tables look like. So, who’s at your table?

Bucket List

In no particular, here are some things that I need to do before I kick the bucket (which will be never because I’m banking immortality).  Food for thought: anyone who makes any of the following happen wins my eternal love, which is as warm and wonderful as sunshine and unicorns.

Swim With Dolphins
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This one is in particular order.  Swimming with dolphins is the most important thing on this list, by far.  I LOVE DOLPHINS. THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL AND MAJESTIC CREATURES.  But if when I swim with dolphins it will probably be the last thing I do because it’s more than likely that I quit being human, forgot all my worldly responsibilities and join their pod.

See Broadway’s The Lion King
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I got to check this off my bucket list a few years when my grandma gave me the best gift I’ve ever received in the form of tickets to see The Lion King.  The Lion King is my favorite movie of all time and I’ve loved it since the first time I saw it and thought Mufasa was sleeping.  When I went to the Sunday matinée of The Lion King, surrounded by small children, shamelessly crying in the lobby, and finally sitting on the aisle as the animals marched down during “The Circle of Life,” it was a dream coming to life and one of my best memories.

Be One Less Lonely Girl
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I get it, everyone hates the Biebz and I am super lame for loving him.  Whatever.  The heart wants what it wants and I can’t help it.  At all of his concerts, JBiebz gives flowers to and serenades one lucky fan during “One Less Lonely Girl.”  Yes, I know Justin has been going in a downward spiral the last several months, but I’m pulling for him to make a comeback.  Even with his mishaps and regrettable actions of late, I still love his music (with the except of his recent “Music Monday” releases) and want to go to a concert.  Here’s hoping they’re not still picking tweens and I’m not middle-aged by the time that happens *fingers crossed*

Rap “Ice Ice Baby” In It’s Entirety
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lol, I can’t explain this.  Just accept it and move on.

Break A Record
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I got to check this off my bucket list at Six Flags Great Adventure.  My friends and I went to Six Flags on a less-than-ideal-weather day which worked greatly in our favor.  No one showed up and we waited in almost no lines.  Everything was going splendidly until it started to thunder…  The Dark Knight Coaster was the only thing open since it was an indoor roller coaster.  We went in, befriended the ride attendants and rode the coaster 27 times without getting off.  It was the most anyone had gone on that ride in a row.  That’s what I call a rainy day victory (future band name?).

Get Slimed
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OBVIOUSLY. This shouldn’t need an explanation.  I grew up on ’90s Nickelodeon, I’ve been fantasized about being covered in slime since approximately forever.

Visit Every MLB Park
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It’s no secret that I love baseball.  I care more about the Red Sox than some people I know (don’t worry, it’s not you), but I also love baseball in general.  It’s the greatest sport and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.  I would love nothing more than spending a summer on a road trip across America (and Canada) watching a game in all 30 of the MLB ballparks.  I’ve got three down (Fenway, Dodger Stadium and AT&T Park) but there’s still 27 to go…so who needs plans for this summer??

Watch  A Game From The Green Monster
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I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THIS.  Okay, so I didn’t technically have tickets, or sit there or watch the whole game…but I got watch five glorious innings of baseball from the most iconic and recognizable part of Fenway.  Even though I still want to get tickets on the Monster and see a whole game from an actual seat…this still gets to be crossed off the list.

Be A Part Of A Heist
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I’ve already talked about how much I criminals.  I figure the best way to find one, is to become one.  I need a solid group of people who know what they’re doing and have my back.  Once we we have that, NO ONE ELSE CAN JOIN. You NEVER trust the last guy to join a heist, he is up to no good.  Everyone will wear perfectly fitted leisure suits, everything will go according to plan until the tech guy needs five more minutes to unlock the door/shut down the cameras/turn off the laser sensors/deactivate the alarms/whatever tech guys do but WE DON’T HAVE FIVE MINUTES! So we get creative, improvise, and overcome the obstacles in our way to pull off a perfectly orchestrated heist.  I see no flaws in my plan.

Be On Survivor
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Maybe I don’t have the physical, mental or emotional strength to successfully make it through the show…yet.  But to that I have two responses: 1. YET. I don’t have to go on Survivor tomorrow.  There’s still time for me to become better equipped for the show.  This stage in my life is all about gaining experiences to help me grow as a person, right? (I’m gonna need a real answer here, I know nothing about life.) 2. People more useless than me have won in the past.  Amber won because she was really pretty and Boston Rob took her to the end.  With my current skill set and life experience (none and none), I’m totally capable of coat tailing to the end.