A Complete History of the Jimmy Kimmel & Matt Damon Saga

Between creepy John Travlota, Giuliana offending Zendaya, llamas on the run and the damn dress (it’s definitely blue and black, for the record) you may have missed the most important thing to happen in pop culture this week: yet another installment of the ongoing Jimmy Kimmel & Matt Damon Saga. But before you can truly enjoy the latest episode in their never-ending feud you must understand their complete history.

It began innocently enough when one night Jimmy Kimmel hosted a night of subpar guests and signed off by saying “My apologies to Matt Damon; we ran out of time,” he explained he was joking because a star like Matt Damon would not be bumped for a ventriloquist and a guy in a monkey suit. It quickly became a running joke on the show.

September 2006: Matt Damon finally appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! (which, for the record, is not live) only to be bumped off after a very lengthy introduction.

June 2007: At the Ocean’s Thirteen premiere, Jimmy sent Guillermo to the red carpet where he ran out of time to talk to Matt Damon.

August 2007: Jimmy Kimmel tried to bump Matt Damon from his own movie and replace him in The Bourne Ultimatum with Guillermo.

January 2008: Sarah Silverman (Jimmy’s girlfriend at the time) revealed that she had been f*@#ing Matt Damon

February 2008: Just a few short weeks later in his post-Oscar show, Jimmy Kimmel took his revenge on Matt Damon by taking something he loves from him…he revealed he had been f*@#ing Ben Affleck.

February 2010: In another post-Oscar show, Jimmy showed the clip “Handsome’s Men Club” where he gets kicked out of the club and Sexiest Man Alive Matt Damon slams the door in his face (because they ran out of time, obviously).

February 2012: In yet another post-Oscar show, Jimmy released a parody trailer for Movie: The Movie; from which Matt Damon has been cut.

January 2013: Matt Damon took over Jimmy Kimmel Live! and hosted his own version of the show: Jimmy Kimmel Sucks!

February 2013: A year after Movie: The Movie, Jimmy released the spoof’s sequel trailer for Movie: The Movie: 2V featuring a revolutionary motion capture performance by Matt Damon “eating a sandwich.”

August 2013: Guillermo hijacked Matt Damon’s interview about his film, Elysium, to promote his own movies: Estupido and Ass Face.

February 2014: Matt Damon was featured in the 6th installment of Jimmy Kimmel’s Celebrities Read Mean Tweets series.

May 2014: Matt Damon expressed mild interest in buying a small part of the Clippers and Jimmy Kimmel did not approve.

January 2015: Jimmy Kimmel showed a clip of a few Patriot fans (including Matt Damon) admitting to be the “Locker Room Guy” and to have deflated Tom Brady’s balls.

February 2015: Now, the moment you have been waiting for: the most recent addition to the Jimmy Kimmel & Matt Damon Saga. It’s a little known fact that Jimmy Kimmel has his own acting school and has taught most of the Oscar-award-winning actors and actresses we all know and love. Before this year’s Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel aired a look inside his teaching method in The Kimmel School of Perfect Acting PART 1; after the ceremony, he revealed the second part which further fueled the fire between Jimmy and Matt.

You’re welcome, class dismissed.

If You Could Have Dinner With Any 7 Celebrities, Who Would You Pick?

dinner1 I came across this question years ago on Tumblr and still have yet to decide who my 7 celebrity guests would be.  The deadly combination of loving 8 million celebrities and being absurdly indecisive makes it nearly impossible to narrow it down to a mere 7 celebs.  So, I have several tables that I want to sit at and refuse to pick one or rank them in any order.  Here are some of my celebrity tables:

The Smith Family Table I am obsessed with the Smiths. They are the coolest family probably ever and I want to be a part of it.  We would all hang out at our mansion, I would braid Willow’s hair, we’d watch The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and have rap battles (go to 7:12 for the epicness).  Are you listening Will and Jada? I’m ready to be adopted.

  1. Will Smith – HE IS TOO COOL.
  2. Jada Pinkett Smith – She married the coolest guy around.  That automatically gives her ten thousand swag points.
  3. Willow Smith – Is it bad that one of my role models is 12-years-old? (Don’t answer that.)
  4. Trey Smith – The Smith child no one knows about. I KNOW ABOUT YOU, TREY. He also represents my second chance of joining the Smith family.  If Will and Jada foolishly decide to not adopt me, I’ll have to marry into the family and Trey is the age-appropriate Smith son.  Are you listening, Trey? I’M READY FOR MARRIAGE. (Don’t I sound like a real catch?)
  5. Jaden Smith – Okay, so After Earth wasn’t great.  But the Pursuit of Happyness was, and every time I listen to “Never Say Never” I rewind and listen to his rap again and again.
  6. Usher – The swag at this table is about to breach capacity. He oozes coolness and makes awesome music.  Not to mention he was a huge upgrade from Cee Lo Green as a coach on The Voice. (Are The Voice producers reading this? WE WANT USHER AND SHAKIRA BACK!)  He seems a bit random to be seated at this table, but he makes more sense when you see who #7 is…
  7. Justin Bieber – JBiebz and Jaden are BFFLs.  Justin hangs out at the Smith mansion all the time, so he fits in seamlessly at this table and I love him (hopefully at this family dinner we can address his life and help him get back on track).

The SNL Table Who wouldn’t want to eat with these people who are paid to be funny?

  1. Jimmy Fallon – He is hilarious, he has a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor and he loves games.  Not to mention his dancing.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Jimmy Fallon should always be dancing.  Whether he is impersonating Justin Bieber or just doing his own thing, his dancing is definitive proof that love and happiness exist.
  2. Tina Fey – She’s the funniest woman ever. The end.
  3. Amy Poehler – It’s not even an option to separate Amy from Tina, they are a match made in Heaven.
  4. Kristen Wiig – She gives Tina Fey a run for her money for funniest woman.  Who didn’t love Bridesmaids? NO ONE.
  5. Seth Meyers – The Weekend Update is always hilarious and he’s a Red Sox fan. What else could you ask for?
  6. Andy Samberg – His Digital Shorts and The Lonely Island are two of the greatest things to happen in my life.
  7. Justin Timberlake – While not a cast member, he is ALWAYS great when he’s on and also he’s JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He can sit anywhere he wants.  I have placed myself between him and Jimmy so I can be right in the middle of the most adorable and perfect friendship of all time.

The One Direction Table You knew this was coming.  There’s only 5 guests necessary here.

  1. Liam Payne – Flawless human,
  2. Niall Horan – Flawless human.
  3. Zayn Malik  – Flawless human.
  4. Louis Tomlinson – Flawless human.
  5. Harry Styles – Flawless human.

The Avengers Table Because superheroes.  Sorry, ScarJo, but if I invited you to this dinner my female competition goes from zero to infinity.

  1. Chris Hemsworth – It’s inappropriate how many times I’ve Google Image searched “Chris Hemsworth and baby.”  Not to mention he plays the namesake of my future firstborn child.
  2. Tom Hiddleston – He is so silly and too adorable with children. And British. That’s important.
  3. Joss Whedon – He was a writer for The  Avengers and Toy Story, two of the best movies ever.  And his screenplays are amazing and hilarious.
  4. Robert Downey, Jr. – Because obviously.
  5. Jeremy Renner – I would demand kindly request that he speak in his Boston accent from The Town throughout the entire dinner.
  6. Mark Ruffalo – Remember that time he danced to “Thriller” with Jennifer Garner?
  7. Chris Evans – He has played TWO superheroes and he’s from Boston.  Also arms.

The Random Awesomeness Table Pretty much the coolest people who always seem down for anything.

  1. Matt Damon – Good Will Hunting, the Bourne trilogy, Ocean’s Eleven, The Departed…am I naming Matt Damon movies or my favorite movies? The better question is: what’s the difference?  Did I mention that he’s from Boston and loves the Red Sox and he’s pretty much perfect all around?  Well, he is.
  2. Ben Affleck – Matt Damon’s BFFL, another Bostonian and Sox fan, he stars in, writes and directs great movies and unlike the rest of the internet, I don’t hate that he’s going to be Batman.
  3. Hugh Jackman – Have you even seen his 2009 Oscars opening number? IT’S THE GREATEST 7 MINUTES AND 46 SECONDS ON THE INTERNET.
  4. Joseph Gordon-Levitt – He was in a baseball movie, a heist movie, a superhero movie and a Disney movie.  That’s pretty much everything I love.  He also had one of the best opening monologues on SNL.
  5. Anna Kendrick – We have so much in common and would get along so well.  Buzzfeed already pretty much summed up why she would be the most amazing best friend.
  6. Ellen DeGeneres – Does anyone NOT love her? No, because that’s scientifically impossible.  If you don’t love Ellen you have no soul and we can’t be friends.
  7. Heidi Klum – Perfection in human form.

Wait…where’s Jennifer Lawrence? Emma Watson? Jackie Robinson? Jennifer Aniston?  Don’t fret, my friends.  I have not forgotten them, they are seated at my Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Baseball and Friends tables. You can imagine what those tables look like. So, who’s at your table?