The Worst Betrayal To Ever Happen*

*to a mentally unstable, baseball-obsessed 21-year-old girl.

Yesterday my world came crashing to halt when I found out that I had been betrayed by my first true love. Jacoby Ellsbury signed a seven year deal with the Evil Empire. Of all the teams in all of baseball, he signed with the damn Yankees. Jacoby is going to be donning pinstripes and making $153 million for 70% of the next decade. To a 21-year-old college senior, seven years is far beyond the foreseeable future. It will go to the end of the 2020 season and I will be half way dead. My friends might be getting married and having children within that time. Poor, unfortunate children who will be born into a world where Jacoby plays for the wrong side of baseball’s greatest rivalry.

Think of it this way, seven years ago it was 2006. There had never been a black president or an iPhone and skinny jeans were just introduced into the fashion world. The #1 single of the year was “Bad Day,” The Departed won the Academy Award for Best Picture and That’s So Raven was still on the Disney Channel. Britney Spears had never been bald, Robert Pattinson was not a sparkly vampire and Justin Bieber was just a random 12-year-old in Canada. IT WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD. Seven years might as well be forever.

The Yankees have single-handedly ruined the next seven years of my life. What am I supposed to do with all of my Jacoby Ellsbury paraphernalia? Can I wear my Ellsbury jersey? Can I hang my autographed photo? Can I drink my Zinfandellsbury wine? Do I have to take him off my wall of men? How am I supposed to forget the last six years of love and happiness we shared and shun him as a traitor? That’s six years of emotional and financial investments that can’t easily be erased.

No matter what the future holds, the Yankees can’t pay $153 million to change the past. Let’s take a look back on our love story my deep and very concerning delusions.

In September 2007 Jacoby Ellsbury was called up from Pawtucket and added to the Red Sox’s 40 man roster. I didn’t know anything about him except that he was a rookie and as fast as a leopard. I always had a soft spot for rookies and I loved him before I was in love with him. He was Rookie of the Month for September and lit up the ALCS and World Series as the starting center fielder. When I watched a playoff game on my Uncle’s HD TV, I realized what a babe Jacoby is and that’s when I began to lose all remnants of my sanity. To top it all off, he won free tacos for all of America. How could you not fall in love? I went to the parade and displayed my love for him.Image

November 10, 2007 was a magical day. As most love stories go, I was 15 and awkward and waiting in line to meet and get an autograph from the love of my life. I got the front and on my photo he wrote: “To: Briana. Jacoby Ellsbury 46” “My Dearest Briana, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? With love, Jacoby♥”

May 21, 2008 I went to my first Red Sox game and since Jacoby knew how special it was to me, he hit me a home run and the Red Sox won the game.

September 11, 2012 my friends and I went to the Red Sox game on Jacoby’s birthday. Even though the Red Sox were completely out of the running for postseason, it was a great game. Jacoby hit a walk-off to beat the Yankees. I nearly died.Image

Jacoby played like the all star he is throughout the 2013 postseason. My mom and I went to ALCS Game 6 where I first found that he changed his walkout song. When I heard “Niggas in Paris,” one of my favorite songs, I lost my mind. It was another sign that we were meant to be together. During Game 6 of the World Series we watched Jacoby’s last at bat in a Red Sox jersey and there was some memorable base running to go along with it.

Then the season ended. Jacoby was a free agent and he would not be returning to Boston. I tried to mentally prepare myself to bid adieu to my favorite Sox player. He wasn’t my favorite just because he is a major babe (Major Babe), my boy has mad baseball skills. The Yankees aren’t paying him $153 million for his good looks. At his best, Jacoby is a superstar on the field. I miss him already.

Now my first celeb husband plays for a team I hate with the fire of a thousand suns. So if you need me, I’ll be listening to “Someone Like You” and crying for the next seven years.
crying (4)

Winning the World Series

Have I mentioned that I love baseball?

Oh, and by the way the Red Sox are the 2013 World Champions. Isn’t the world a glorious place?

Let’s go back to the day of game 6.  I was a hot mess. From the moment my eyes opened that morning, I knew that it was going to be a long day.  The World Series was on the line.  We were one win away from the rings, the parade, the DVD…it was all so close but not yet within arms’ reach.  We were one win away from winning in Boston for the first time in almost 100 years.  Would the Red Sox be able to pull it off tonight? Or would the Cardinals force a game 7 where anything could happen?  This city did not deserve the heartbreak of losing a game 7 and I couldn’t handle the stress of having a game 7 at all.

That night, after several attempts, my friends and I finally found a place that wasn’t overrun by anxious fans and had enough TVs so that everyone could watch the game.  We all settled into our table at Sunset Cantina and prepared ourselves for a long night of baseball and a roller coaster of emotions.

As it turns out, the roller coaster only went up.  There were no dips or turns, we just kept soaring higher and higher until the victory was ours to celebrate.

For most people, anyway.  For me, my excitement and joy stopped at end of of the seventh inning to make room for complete and utter panic.  As the game got closer to a close and people started counting outs left in the game, my stomach was twisting into an unsolvable knot and my hands went numb.  I didn’t care that we had 6 runs, to me that just meant it would be that much more devastating to lose the game.  I just kept thinking about how ugly the game could get and how heartbreaking and disappointing it would be to lose at that point.  As the game continued, I grew more silent.  I just sat in my booth with my arms wrapped around my legs and watched.  When the eighth inning ended, and the Red Sox were just three Koji Uehara outs away from winning it all, I just put my head down and waited.  So much was at stake.  Since I had moved to Boston, I had been waiting for the Red Sox to do something great in the postseason.  My first three years at BU had passed without the Sox playing a single game of October baseball.  Now, they were just three outs away from a celebration much needed in Boston.  At this point, I was numb all the way to my elbows.  It looked something like this:
The ninth inning began and we all watched to see if Koji would be everything he had been, a shutout closer. He was. I cried. It was magical.
WS afterWe had become the 2013 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox.  And we did it in BOSTON.  It was absolutely amazing.  We walked down Commonwealth Ave, joined the crowds in singing “Sweet Caroline” and “Tessie,” and high-fived strangers passing by.  There was no better place to be that night. (That’s obviously a lie, the Red Sox clubhouse was clearly the best place to be, but just work with me, okay?)

The following Saturday my friends and I headed to Boylston at the crack of dawn to secure front row spots at the Rolling Rally.  The bearded duck boats rolled down the street and you could feel the excitement in the air.  Jacoby Ellsbury hoisted the trophy up for all to see, Koji Uehara and Junichi Tazawa threw bracelets out to the crowd, Jonny Gomes stuck out his beard and everyone loved it.  But, the best part was when the parade paused at the marathon finish line and none other David Ortiz walked no more than three feet from where we were standing.  He got down from his duck boat to say a few words on the float where the Dropkick Murphys were playing.  After he made his speech, he sauntered by us one more time and I was in the presence of greatness.  It was the closest to royalty I’ve ever come.

The parade eventually came to an end and marked the close of the 2013 season, leaving us to bask in it’s glory and wait to see what 2014 will bring.

stay gold & Boston Strong,

Unofficial Red Sox Playlist


I can’t say that enough.  Our motley crew of bearded warriors battled their way from worst to first in a season that won’t be forgotten by the people of Boston or throughout all of Red Sox Nation.  Here is the perfect playlist to keep that emotional high and to tell the story of the 2013 World Series Champions, the Boston Red Sox.

  1. Started From The Bottom – Drake
    The theme song for the Sox this season.  The lyrics are literally “started from the bottom, now my whole team here.”  Grammar aside, lyrics couldn’t be any more perfect for this team.
  2. For Boston – Dropkick Murphys
    The Red Sox have said time and time again that this World Series was for us, for Boston.
  3. Three Little Birds – Bob Marley
    Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing gonna be all right.  When Shane Victorino comes up to bat all of Fenway Park joins in singing those words, and when Victorino hit that grand slam in the ALCS the song reached a whole new level in the hearts of Sox fans.
  4. X Gon’ Give It To Ya – DMX
    Boston’s favorite X-Man, rookie Xander Bogaerts gave it all throughout the postseason.  The youngest playoff starter in Red Sox history has left quite a mark in Boston and fans can’t wait to see the kind of career he is going to have.
  5. Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond
    A Fenway Park classic.  You haven’t lived until you’ve yelled “SO GOOD! SO GOOD!” in the middle of the 8th inning with 37,399 other fans in America’s most beloved ballpark.
  6. Dirty Water – The Standells
    Another classic Bostonian anthem.  There are few things better in life than hearing this song played in Fenway Park after a Red Sox win.
  7. Shipping Up To Boston – Dropkick Murphys
    If this song doesn’t get you pumped then all hope is lost.
  8. Tessie – Dropkick Murphys
    The Dropkick Murphys send the perfect message from the fans to the team: “Don’t blame us if we ever doubt you, you know we couldn’t live without you. Red Sox, you are the only only only.”
  9. What Do The Sox Say – Fly Morning Rush
    This is nothing short of amazing.  Ylvis pondered what does the fox say, but this finally answers what the Sox say.
  10. This Beard Came Here To Party – Tim Montana and The Shrednecks ft. Billy F. Gibbons
    Country artist Tim Montana turned his own catch phrase and inside joke “this beard came here to party” into a song which became another anthem for the 2013 Red Sox.  While not originally written for the Sox, the song is perfect for this season.

Food & Fall Festivities

everything i need in a photo

These are the things I did when I went home for the weekend:

  1. Eat

That’s it.  Everything I did had to do with food; whether I was making it, eating it, or walking through it…food was everywhere.  That’s why I gained 47 lbs. this weekend and no one on campus recognizes me.  Let me walk you through the foods I devoured into my black hole of a stomach.

Tommy’s Pizza, Double Stuf Oreos, Triple Double Oreos, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream
My first meal at home.  When Lisa, Jackie and I finally got home we were welcomed with my favorite pizza and an avalanche of snacks.  My mom went HAM on getting snackage and food for her two college students returning home in what I believe was an attempt to make us so fat we physically couldn’t leave for school and would have stay at home with her forever.

Chocolate Chip Pancakes
Saturday morning my mom mother further fattened us up with a delicious family breakfast before our first day of fall festivities.

Corn, Crackers
This part of the weekend involved the least of amount eating and the most physical activity.  We went to a corn maze, Fall Festivity #1!  Because occasionally the universe loves me, that particular day was Harry Potter Day!  We entered the maze and pulled slips of paper from a bucket were immediately sorted, I was a Slytherin (even though I’m really a Hufflepuff), and most of my family was Ravenclaw while the rest cheated by looking in the bucket to swipe a Gryffindor paper (not very Gryffindor-like, if you ask me).  We began our adventure through the maze to get to the other side win the Tri-Wizard Tournament!  We took a break from our journey at Hog’s Head, conveniently located in the middle of the maze, and enjoyed some wizard sticks.  Once we refueled, Logan Harry Potter led us through the maze and always knew which way to go because of wizardry.  We got past all the obstacles in our escapade and made it through unscathed.  We had both honor and glory.
corn maze

On the way home, we stopped at a grocery store so my mom could buy MORE FOOD to plump us up.  One of the many things purchased was a package of store brand Ritz crackers which Lisa and I ate a whole sleeve of on the drive home.  It’s a four minute drive.

Hostess Cupcake, Chicken, Roasted Potato, Kale, Risotto Balls
After we got home, Lisa and I left to meet her mom at the always lovely WaterFire (and I took a Hostess Cupcake for the road, obviously).  Being the supremely popular Flames of Hope lighting (for breast cancer awareness), it was hoppin’.  One of the event tents had a student cooking demonstration where they gave out FREE food to everyone.  So, the three of us got our own plate of chicken, a roasted potato and kale.  It was pretty good even though I didn’t eat the kale because eating green food would ruin my reputation.  After we finished our student-cooked meal, we walked around looking at all the vendors and Providence scenery.  Eventually, we made it over to the Blue Grotto tent and got some risotto balls!  We moseyed around a little while longer after the lighting and then bid adieu to beautiful WaterFire to go back home and watch the Red Sox game.

Hostess Cupcake, Bean Dip, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Ice Cream, Crackers
I snagged another Hostess Cupcake when Lisa and I got back home because I refuse to let them go unappreciated.  When the Hostess Cupcake was discontinued a piece of my soul died and now that they’re back I will savor each and every chance I get to have one.  We settled into the big comfy couches in the living room and got ready to watch game 1 of the ALCS.  There are so many foods necessary to watch a playoff game of any kind.  When I watch postseason baseball I am in a constant state of anxiety (drizzled with fleeting joy and fulfillment).  It’s both terrifying and wonderful to watch, which is why bean dip is necessary to keep me sane.  As the game went on and things looked grimmer and grimmer, I was forced to eat chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with crushed chocolate chip cookies to keep the hit-less Red Sox from pushing me into a deep depression.

After the ugly loss, Lisa and I left to pick up Megan from the train station.  When we got back, we had more of the fake-Ritz crackers, which I’m convinced were laced in cocaine because they were so addictive, and watched Saturday Night Live.  Although the Bruce Willis hosted episode overall was “meh,” there was one skit that saved the night and dragged me out of the pit of postseason baseball despair.  I’ll just leave this three minutes and fifteen seconds of ecstasy for you to enjoy.

Fruity Pebbles, Hostess Cupcake
Sunday morning I had a well-rounded breakfast of Fruity Pebbles and a Hostess Cupcake before church. I’m all about living that healthy lifestyle.

Apples, Kettle Corn
Fall Festivity #2!  We went to Pippin Orchard (which is a terrible place and no one should go there) to pick some apples and be adorable in fall surroundings.  Despite all the good apples being in the forbidden forest (okay, this technically wasn’t another Harry Pottery Day, but I incorporate the world of Harry Potter anywhere I can) it was still a great time.  We ate kettle corn, juggled, climbed trees and jousted with the apple pickers.  I do not think we will be asked back to Pippin Orchard (not that we care).

Pizza, Mashed Potatoes, Taco Crescents, Apple Pie & Ice cream
This is where it goes from bad to worse.  The beginning of the end.  From moderate overeating to the depths of obesity.  Soon as we got home my mom made pizza to put even more weight on us to keep us from leaving.  But that’s not all, while the pizza was cooking, Lisa, Megan and I started making an apple pie with our freshly picked apples.  The pizza finished cooking at about the same time we were done preparing the pie, so as our pie cooked we ate pizza.  I also had a bowl of butter with a side of mashed potatoes.  When we were done with that, the pie still wasn’t ready so we made crescent rolls filled with beef and cheese.  After we had our taco crescents, the apple pie had finally finished baking so Lisa and I each had a pie à la mode.

The worst part: this wasn’t even dinner.  This was to hold us over until dinner. In short, we ate pizza, mashed potatoes and taco crescents, while we waited for our apple pie to bake while we waited for dinner.

BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches, BBQ chips, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Apple Pie & Ice Cream, Hostess Cupcake
“Go big or go home,” that’s what I told myself and that’s what killed me.  After I had one BBQ pulled pork sandwich and BBQ chips while watching game 2 of the ALCS, I could not stop thinking about the rest of pork just sitting in the kitchen waiting to be eaten.  I figured since I already hated myself for how much I consumed in one weekend it can’t get much worse (SPOILER: I was wrong) so I had ANOTHER SANDWICH.  My mom didn’t even try  to stop me, further proof that she wanted me eat myself into obesity and stay home for eternity. Also worth mentioning, every time I walked into the kitchen I took a chocolate chip cookie because I have no self-control.

After David Ortiz once again reminded the world exactly why he is worth $14 million and lead the Red Sox to the best win in this year’s postseason thus far, Lisa, Megan and I watched the 90’s classic Clueless.  Since the theme of the weekend was “eat until you feel like you want to crawl into a deep hole and die where no one will find your morbidly obese corpse” we each had another piece of apple pie à la mode.  After the movie, we rolled ourselves downstairs to finally go to bed.  And I took a Hostess Cupcake on the way, just for good measure.

stay gold & eat til hurts (or maybe don’t),

5 Reasons Why Postseason Baseball Is The Greatest Thing That Will Ruin Your Life

If you don’t like baseball I feel sorry for you.  Baseball is a game of patience and nothing is more rewarding than advancing in the postseason after 162 games of hard play.  Nothing gets my heart racing and excitement up like baseball, especially October baseball.  But there is nothing more painstakingly heartbreaking than watching my team waste opportunities, blow a lead, lose a game or at the very worst, lose the series.

In short, baseball is the greatest thing on Earth that will rip your heart out and leave lying on the cold hard ground. Here’s why:

1. Every Play Matters
Every. Single. Play. Sure, every play matters in regular season too, but there’s also so many more opportunities to make up an error or blow a lead.  If a player makes a game losing error, he has 161 games to balance it out.  If a team is at the top of it’s division in June, there’s still three months to fall behind.  Not in October.  There are just five or seven games, tops.  One missed double play, one man left on base, one misplaced pitch, one perfectly placed line drive, one sac fly, or one home run can make or break the series.

2. Anything Can Happen
The air is electric; the players, the stands and everyone at home can feel it.  Regular season W’s and stats don’t mean anything here. The slate is wiped clean, tensions are high and the stakes are even higher.  You never know what’s going to happen; players steal home, pitchers throw no-hitters, perfect games and bats.  The uncertainty of it all is enough to drive you mad and keep you glued the game.  It’s fantastically beautiful torture.

3. Icons Are Made
Curt Schilling’s bloody sock.

Babe Ruth’s called shot.

Willie Mays’ catch.

Carlton Fisk waving the ball fair.
These are just some of the most iconic moments and images in baseball.  All in October.  None forgotten.

4. It’s Not Over ‘Til It’s Over
A team can be one out away from elimination or clinching the series and everything can change with one pitch.  As long as there’s a pitcher on the mound and batter in the box, it ain’t over.  No matter how grim a circumstance appears, there’s always hope in baseball.  As Earl Weaver said: “You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You’ve got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.”
See: 2004 ALCS

5. The Celebrations
To anyone who thinks baseball is boring, how can you not love…
The unadulterated euphoria

The unrivaled triumphs

The celebratory champagne

And this.

$1 Beard Night

Q: What is better than going to a Red Sox game?

A: Going to a Red Sox game for FREE.

It’s (probably) a scientific fact that things are better when they are free.  In honor of Red Sox players embracing their beards (I’m looking at you Jonny Gomes and Mike Napoli), Fenway had a special $1 Beard Night.  Anyone who showed up with a beard, real of fake, had the opportunity to buy a ticket to that night’s game for $1!  So, we showed up with our beards and our dollar bills and got in line behind many other dedicated, bearded fans.  PLOT TWIST: The tickets were not $1, they were completely free!

My friends and I walked into Fenway expecting cheap nosebleeds in the bleachers and we were happy for it.  Surprisingly, our tickets were for the grandstand behind home plate! They were great seats despite having an “obstructed view” (stupid, support beams).  But if you ask me, it’s always a good seat if you’re in Fenway.

At the end of the first inning we were all watching a montage of awesome plays and fans on the jumbo tron when the most magical timing in the history of the world happened.  My friend, Megan, said “I wish I was in montage” and then I said, “I wish was in a montage too!” THEN I WAS IN THE MONTAGE.  It was a flawless moment.  Last season my friend and I were on the jumbo tron when were doing spectacular choreography to “Love Shack” and now it’s in a montage that plays in Fenway Park!  It’s like I’m at every Red Sox home game.

At the end of the seventh inning, my friend who works for the Red Sox came out and took all of us up to the Green Monster.  THE. GREEN. MONSTER.  For those of who don’t know, Green Monster seats are coveted by all of Red Sox Nation.  When we got up on the Monstah it was just in time for the middle of the eighth inning AKA time for “Sweet Caroline.” Joining thousands of fans in a Fenway Park tradition from the best seats in the house was beyond incredible.  In that moment, I swear, we were infinite.  After “Sweet Caroline,” I got watch five innings with the greatest view in all of Boston.  There is nothing like watching baseball from the top of the Green Monster.

Even though my boys lost in extra innings, it was one of the most electric nights of my life (including that time I saw Nick Carter hip thrust).  It’s also worth mentioning that now the Red Sox have the American League East title.  This is important mainly for two reasons: 1. THE RED SOX OWN THE EAST; 2. I am officially not bad luck for the Red Sox!  Since I moved to Boston (with the exception of this year) the Red Sox have not made it to the playoffs.   I was seriously concerned that I was going to have to leave Boston because I certainly could not keep the Red Sox from October baseball indefinitely.  Thankfully, that is not the case.  My beloved Red Sox are going to the playoffs and I can stay in Boston!

stay gold & go Sox!