12 Reasons To Never Leave Your House Again

Let’s all agree to become homebodies, kay?

1. Pants are optional

Pants only function is to constrict your dreams and happiness. If you have the choice to never wear pants again, you make that choice.

2. I REPEAT: YOU CAN GO PANTLESS FOREVER.

You have the right to remain pantless. ‘MURICA.

3. You can be fat

No need to keep up appearances any more! The glory of never leaving your house means never having to wear a bathing suit at the beach! So you eat all those Ben & Jerry’s pints because no one has to look at your increasingly obese body ever again.

4. You don’t have to talk to people

There is nothing more awful and awkward than human interaction. Not to mention that people kind of suck…you’re better off avoiding people all together by staying home.

5. You can read all day

You can finally make a dent in your ever-growing book list. Work your way through A Song of Ice and Fire, read the classics you never got around to or you can even read Twilight. You never leave the house so no haters be trippin’ on your swag.

6. Netflix

Scandal? Orange is the New Black? House of Cards? Yes, yes and yes! Watch all of the episodes because no one is stopping your Netflix binge!

7. There’s temperature control

You never have to deal with going outside into a hurricane, blizzard or heat wave. Thank your roof, heater and AC for staying dry at a nice 72º!

8. Your bed is in your house

Nothing is better than curling up in your bed. NOTHING. So why ever leave it?

9. Public intoxication is not a concern

There’s no need to worry about staying decent in public places or having to find a designated driver if you’re drinking at home! Drink away, my friend.

10. Delivery

Hello, pizza, Chinese and Peapod! Since you can be as fat and disgusting as your clogged heart desires you can get all your favorite fatty foods delivered right to your front door. Go ahead and become friends with the delivery guy because you’ll be seeing a lot of each other.

11. Online shopping

Run out of remote batteries? Getting too fat to fit into your clothes? Bookshelf looking bare? Amazon is there to help you out! Don’t go outside and buy your necessities at a store, there’s nothing you need that can’t be ordered online. Fact. (probably)

12. Did I mention that you don’t have to wear pants?

BE FREE OF PANTS

Circle of (Having No) LIfe

Hello, my name is Briana and I am awkward.

I have come up with a theory of why I have stayed awkward throughout my life and why I will remain awkward until the day I die.  I like to call it “The Socially Awkward Circle of Having No Life”

Stage 1: Be Extremely Awkward

Some people are born with great athleticism, some people are born natural leaders, some people are born with a knack for science, and some people are born unable to control their face, limbs, or the words coming out their mouths.  Everyday is like “oh sorry, first day with this new body and I don’t know how it works yet.”  You stand stupidly pushing a pull door for five minutes before someone opens it for you.  Sometimes you even hit a stranger in the dining hall with your awkward limbs and say yell something terrible like “sorry, guy” then become immediately horrified at your word vomit, make an equally terrible face and then literally run away with your grilled cheese in hand.

Stage 2: Hate Being Around People (Because You Are Extremely Awkward)

Being around people is terrifying.  You have to wear pants, not sporadically burst into song & dance, and try to pass as a human.  There’s an insurmountable amount of stress in looking presentable and sounding like a coherent, functioning human at the same time. The worst part is having to actually communicate with other people; if people don’t like that you sometimes communicate through clicking your tongue and meowing then you don’t want to be around people.

Stage 3: Actively Avoid Being Around People

“Oh, there’s [insert any social gathering] tonight?  Sorry, I can’t go! I would, but I have too much Netflix to watch work to do.  Bummer, next time for sure!”

*sits in room watching TV shows and movies in pajamas and eating Ben & Jerry’s out of the carton*

Stage 4: Sit In Your Room By Yourself

This is the best part.  There’s no figuring out normal people wear, no figuring out what to say, no masquerade of normality,  just pure and natural existence in your own state of awkward.  You’re free to watch TV shows & movies, read, have a Me Party, eat limitlessly, talk/sing/make noises to yourself, surf the world wide web or anything at all without being bothered by the outside world.  Because let’s face it, Dexter, Fat Amy and Katniss all need you more than the people in the real world need you.

Stage 5: Try To Break Cycle By Being Social

At this point you start looking at the people around actively and purposely socializing with other people and you start to think that you are just as capable as anyone.  Maybe you’re just awkward because you don’t try to be social.  If all these biddies and bros can do it, then you can do it too.  So you muster up all your courage and go out in the world and make your best attempt at social interaction.

Stage 6: Fail

No. No. No. No. No. Why am I here? Who are these people? Why did I think I could this? I hate everyone and everything. I will never be social again.

Stage 7: Keep Sitting In Your Room By Yourself

You don’t need people. People are scary.  You’re much happier the way you were with your Netflix and food.  You’ll be better off by sticking with what you know and you can never watch the Bella’s finals too many times, anyway.

Stage 8: Remain Extremely Awkward

“I AM AWKWARD!” Say it loud and say it proud.  You’re never gonna stop being socially awkward because you’re never social enough to become comfortable being social.  You even tried breaking out of your awkward shell by being social and that just did not go well at all.  So hang tough, for you are in for a long and awkward life.